When you approach a marriage, you must be prepared to give it your all, but you also need to be sure there are no major “red flags” that will eventually doom your union. When a couple works together to build a strong, loving, respectful relationship, they really can overcome mountains… but you need to have a solid foundation to build on.
Here are a list of questions you can ask yourself to ascertain whether there are any lurking issues that need to be worked out before you say “I do.”
1. What is your worst fear if you marry this person?
2. What do you still need to know in order to be certain you want to marry this person?
3. Is he/she a kind person
4. Is he/she a responsible and honest person?
5. Do you find him/her attractive?
6. Does he/she take care of his personal hygiene, health, and nutrition?
7. Do you feel this person is trying to change you?
8. Do you feel fully accepted by this person?
9. Do you admire and respect this person?
10. What do you see when you look in his/her eyes?
11. Does he/she like him/herself?
12. Do you work well together as a team?
13. Are your values, priorities, life philosophy, and goals compatible?
14. Do you communicate well and listen to each other?
15. Is this person unhappy? Depressed? Confused?
16. Do you understand how men and women’s primary emotional needs are different?
17. Do you trust his/her judgment?
18. Can you live with this person exactly the way he/she is today?
19. What is this person really into? Do you respect and identify with it?
20. Can you express your feelings and opinions honestly and openly with this person?
21. Is he/she critical or judgmental of you?
22. Do you feel emotionally safe with this person?
23. Are you afraid of this person in any way?
24. Can you be yourself with this person? Can you be playful?
25. Can you be vulnerable with this person?
26. Do you like the way you feel when you’re with this person? Do you feel relaxed?
27. Is this person emotionally available?
28. Does this person have any compulsive behaviors or addictions?
29. Was this person abused in any way growing up?
30. Are there any psychological disorders in either of your families?
31. Do you trust him, without a doubt?
32. Does he/she have integrity?
33. Do you care about what happens to this person and want to help him/her succeed in life?
34. Are you certain that this person will respect your feelings and needs?
35. Do you want to have children with this person?
36. Would you want your kids to be like this person?
37. Do you want to be more like this person?
38. Have you thoroughly checked out this person’s character with reliable people?
39. Are you in agreement about your “lifestyle” and family expectations?
If any of these questions leave you with an uncomfortable feeling, it may be wise to think deeply about your relationship, and, if necessary, seek premarital counseling to help you work through it. An ounce of prevention, as they say, is worth a pound of cure!
These questions are from Clarity Talk, by Dov Heller, Liscensed Marrige and Family Therapist, serving the LA-Beverly Hills area.
image: Jewel Info 4 U