Move Over, Bridezilla, You’ve Finally Met Your Match!

If the term “bridezilla” is annoying you as much as it’s annoying me (no, it’s NOT cutsie, it’s irritating and unbecoming), I have bad news for you.  A new species of wedding obsessors, closely related to bridezilla, has surfaced. Experts agree that he has always been around but has only recently been discovered and named.

According to the globeandmail:

They stomp through wedding shows and rip apart floral arrangements.

They snap at wedding planners and send caterers running for cover.

Quick to anger and hard to please, they are known by their fearsome roar: “It’s MY wedding!”

Bridezilla?  Close, but no. A rarer but rapidly multiplying species is encroaching on her natural habitat and terrorizing weddings: Groomzilla.

What happened? Let’s talk about my husband and my wedding.  On second thought, there’s not really much to talk about. He really could not have cared less about flower arrangements, invitations, or table linens. He was happy to let me pick out a tie for him to wear (one that matched my gown, naturally!). We didn’t argue about a thing.

I can assure you that he was NOT browsing at GroomsOnline and would have laughed at articles like… “Grooms get Excited about the Wedding Cake.” Wedding cake?? Is that a euphemism for something else? No, cake means cake and some men want to choose it themselves.  After all, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?

Fine, but take this one: “What about your Friends? Balancing Buddies and your Bride.” Uh oh. If your man is eagerly reading this article, there’s trouble brewing. It’s just one more step before he’s laughing gleefully at “How to Throw the Ultimate Bachelor Party…”  May I quote from this gem of a piece? Oh pleeease? There’s a common thread running through it; it’s quite subtle but if you read closely you’ll figure out what it is:

The renowned bachelor party could be the most anticipated night of a man’s life, with the exception of his wedding day, of course (smirk). But it’s not only one more night of pure debauchery before marriage for the groom-to-be, but rather a night for all men to be… well, men…. Invite some party girls who have no relation to your everyday crowd, the girls who always want to be around for a good time. If you don’t know of any, just call them up at 976-WILD…

Where to go: This usually includes a strip club, a strip joint, oh, and did I mention a gentleman’s club? The night could also involve a restaurant, a casino, his favorite bar, and you may want to cap off the night at a hotel room…. Since you’ll probably be a loud and obnoxious bunch, forewarn the kind management at each establishment that you’re holding a bachelor party, so they won’t be surprised when your friend starts approaching all the women in the joint to give them a little spanking…

Besides making all the arrangements for the bachelor party, you can give the groom something special to remember the night by. No, not a stripper’s phone number, but a video montage of his dating past or of his life, for example, that you can show to everyone at the party.

If you ask me, any man who’s planning on enjoying this type of “final fling” is hardly marriage material. It’s never too late to ditch him at the alter.  Vulgar, selfish, and egotistical is part of the reason ten percent of grooms are morphing into Groomzilla.

But what is it that turns normally kind, decent, intelligent men into, well, monsters?

Couples are marrying later in life and the cost of weddings is rising. Older grooms have more money and a stronger sense of personal style – and when a groom is spending from his own wallet, a $250 bouquet suddenly gets a lot more interesting. Also, working women increasingly have little time to plan a wedding, so men are stepping up out of necessity. And, of course, there’s the rise of the metrosexual, the heterosexual man with stubborn opinions on centrepieces and bouquets. (Globeandmail)

Take-charge grooms can sometimes be a blessing, especilaly if the bride is busy at work or has other duties that take up her time. Some brides are just not as interested in the nitty-gritty as the groom is, and are happy to hand over the riens.  We like grooms who get involved without going overboard. But when involvment leads to bickering and terrorizing, you’ve got a problem.

Here’s a handy little quiz to find out if you are headed toward Groomzilla-ville:

When you proposed, you:

A. Got up off the couch and mumbled something about guessing you guys should, like, make it legal or something.

B. Got down on one knee and tenderly asked the woman you love to share the rest of her life with you.

C. Hopped into a helicopter that whisked you and your lady away to the wedding of your dreams. Her dress, the cake, her bridesmaids – you picked them all out!

Your idea of a perfect

wedding is:

A. City hall, “I do,” and back to the couch for Hockey Night.

B. A day of joy, laughter and love, with a great party for friends and family.

C. A day of joy, laughter and love for you. Your bride? She’ll be there too.

The bridesmaids’ dresses are:

A. Irrelevant. The question is, are the bridesmaids hot?

B. Blue, because that’s our favourite colour and we’re going for an ocean theme.

C.Celadon, cap sleeves, floor length, taffeta. No, not celery, celadon!

Your relationship with the wedding caterer is:

A. A caterer? I thought she was cooking the food herself. How much is this going to cost me?

B. Great! Free food samples, free cake samples …

C.Strained. The marinated mushrooms should be stuffed with herbed chêvre, not feta!

At your wedding, you will wear:

A. A rental tux from the mall.

B.A tuxedo you purchased after consulting your fiancée.

C.A tuxedo you purchased after consulting with your fiancée, best man, mother, friends, co-workers, therapist and strangers on the street.

I won’t even bother posting the results. If you can’t figure out for yourself who is “Slacker Groom,” “Gallant Groom,” and “Groomzilla,” seek help fast.