Why does it happen, and is anyone safe from this frightening condition called marriage?

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how life changes just a bit after marriage. Maybe you’re spending more time cuddling on the couch eating ice cream with your honey than you used to. Maybe the time you devote to family and housekeeping has robbed you of the hours you used to spend at the gym. Maybe you are not as concerned about a few extra pounds, now that you are a comfortable, happily married woman (or man).  Or maybe the added stress of marriage (the first year can be particularly challenging for some) is driving you to seek solace in the pantry.

Oh ya, one more thing: Guys, as a general rule, eat a lot more than girls, so when you’re cooking for him and eating meals together, you are probably consuming a lot more than you used to!

But whatever the reason, there’s no need to let the “love chub” take over.

I”m afraid I have no magic formula for keeping the pounds away. It’s the same answer you’ll find any time the question is asked: How do I loose weight? Eat right, and exercise. There are no shortcuts, but if your spouse is willing to partner with you, staying fit might be more fun than it used to be!

Want to hear how other couples decided to get back into pre-wedding shape? Read ???Will Marriage Make You Fat? How to Avoid the “Love Chub” Trap.

Feature image credit

Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can “relax” and do not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth!  In a good marriage, you must always watch what you say and how you react. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust.

Part of building trust in your marriage is learning to fight fair! Remember that trust is something that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy.

Just in case you didn’t know, fighting is a part of any good marriage, Heller reminds us. Some people live with the naïve notion that in “good marriages” couples never argue or disagree. However, the real problem is not whether or not couples fight, but how they fight.

If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

1. Never resort to name calling or put-downs.
2. Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.
3. Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, “you never” or “you always.”
4. Never bring the other person’s family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse’s.
5. Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.
6. Don’t start a fight later in the night, when you’re both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.
7. And again, do your best to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements, which feel like attacks.

If you found these tips helpful, please read the complete article, How To Build Trust in Marriage, or visit Dov Heller’s website, Clarity Talk.

feature image from winewriter

There is a lingering suspicion among girls… that boys don’t value cleverness as an essential quality in a life partner. Given a choice between gorgeous or brainy, there is no guarantee they’ll do the right thing, because men think they’re clever enough for two. Well, it turns out they’re wrong. Swedish scientists have discovered that long life and good health have nothing to do with a man’s education and everything to do with his wife’s. Men married to smart women live longer — simple.

And why might this be so? Well the answer is not as exciting as you might imagine.  It’s simply that “educated” women know the value of good health, a proper diet, exercising, getting enough sleep, not smoking, sky diving, or skipping breakfast, etc etc etc, and are able to encourage (nudge? harass? just kidding!) their husbands into better habits. Another added benefit might be the “healthy, strong, intellectual bond that keeps them alive for years to come!” Keeping your mind sharp has shown to increase life span and slows the onset of dementia, Alzheimer and similar diseases. A wife who keeps her man on his toes is good for him in so many ways!

Image from NY Daily News: Men with educated wives live longer lives: study

Although everyone yearns for a strong, healthy marriage, sometimes couples feel torn. It’s impossible to please everybody all the time, so when there’s a conflict between the needs of a spouse and the needs of a parent, you need to know who is top priority.

“Focus on making your spouse your first priority,” says Barry at Hitched, “Even if it upsets your mom and dad. If your parents have healthy behavior, they will gracefully step aside and encourage you to make your spouse a top priority. They will value your needs as a couple and be respectful about their phone calls, visits, etc. If, however, your parents have destructive behavior, they will manipulate you with guilt to keep you in the role of an obedient child instead of allowing you to be a loyal spouse. They will feel entitled to call or visit whenever they want, and they will act offended whenever you try to draw healthy boundaries with them.”

Being committed to building your marriage is all about mindset. Learning to think the right way will help you make the right decisions.

4 harmful things to say (or imply) to your spouse:
* “I don’t have the courage to say ‘no’ to my parents, so I’m saying ‘no’ to you.”
* “My parents’ behavior is perfectly fine; your behavior is the problem.”
* “Let’s not do anything to upset my folks.”
* “My parents’ needs are more important than yours.”

4 great things to say to your spouse:
* “You are my first priority. Your needs are important to me.”
* “I want to support you, but I’m not sure how to do that. Please tell me.”
* “Let’s try to figure out a compromise we can both live with.”
* “Can you help me figure out a tactful way to tell my parents what we’ve decided?”

Choosing to be a loyal husband or wife is the first step toward a stronger marriage and a more adult relationship with your parents. Your behavior will have multiple benefits. For example, when your mom knows that your wife comes first, you will have eliminated the need for them to compete over you, and mom may give you more privacy. Your spouse, who knows that you value your marriage over your relationship with your parents, will likely try harder to please you by becoming more reasonable about issues involving your parents.

Becoming truly independent from our parents is one of the best gifts we can give our spouse. That doesn’t mean we should cut off contact with our parents or start being hateful toward them. It just means that pleasing our spouse should take priority over pleasing our parents.

Info from Hitched. Image from the daily mail and rexburg counseling

It’s not just the stress of planning, the anxiety caused by family  members, friends, and vendors. According to ConsciousWeddings.com, the time of engagement and marriage is a rite of passage, accompanied by a shift in your identity and many questions about your future role as wife. Your identity as an independant single woman changes into married woman, one half of a whole.  Your relationship to your girlfriends, parents, and other family members shifts. You give up certain aspects of your personal freedom. There are new duties, expectations, and commitments are placed on your shoulders.

“…in traditional cultures, the members consider all rites of passage as a sacrifice and a gift, a separating and a joining, a death and a rebirth. As much as the wedding is a time of celebration, happiness, and new beginnings, it is also a time of saying goodbye to an entire identity and grieving the losses…”

According to Sheryl Paul, author, bridal counselor, and editor of ConsciousWeddings.com, this normal pre-wedding anxiety (or even fear) is suppressed because our culture does not allow room for it. A bride is expected to be happy, excited, and confident at all times. “When women are given the words and context in which to understand their inner world they breathe a great sigh of relief.” You can learn more at ConsciousWeddings.com or get Sheryl’s books, Conscious Bride and Conscious Bride’s Wedding Planner.