That’s precisely what they are, gifts. Marriage is an important milestone, but your particular life choices don’t mean that anybody owes you anything beyond a warm “Congratulations.” And please spare everyone the lecture on how much a head your reception is costing. You’re the one who had to have the arugula and glazed duck; we’d have been perfectly happy with mac & cheese.

She also included a link to the “single most horrifying list of wedding etiquette in history.”

The list, plus many of the comments, got me thinking about weddings and gifts. Is there really a proper gift-giving etiquette? From the bride and groom’s perspective, do the guests owe you a gift? Do you think having them at your wedding is pleasure enough? And from a guest’s perspective, are you required to “pay” for your dinner? Is buying an off-registry gift really such a terrible offense against the bride and groom? Must you spend a certain amount of money on a gift?

Monica’s list, 88 Things You Need to Know Before Attending a Wedding states the following rules under “Gifts”:

1. If you receive an invitation you must send a gift! Even if you don’t attend.
2. If you can’t attend the wedding, you should send your gift before the wedding with a card expressing your regrets about not being able to attend.
3. The gift should be worth at least the # of people you’ve RSVP’ed x the cost of one person’s plate for the reception.
4. The exception to this is when a couple chooses *really expensive* plates.
5. *Really expensive* depends on your geographical area, not your preferences. Nice try though.
6. If you don’t know what a wedding plate costs, call the reception hall and investigate. This will at least get you in the ballpark.
7. The gift should be monetary or come from the bride and groom’s registry.
8. The wedding registry will not be listed in the invitation unless the couple is very tacky. You are supposed to call the maid-of-honor (MOH)/mother of the bride (MOB) to find out where the couple is registered.
9. Anyone in the family or wedding party is appropriate if the MOH/MOB cannot be reached.
10. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
11. Money should come in a wedding card.
12. Gift cards are like throwing money away, so don’t give them.
13. If you insist on giving a gift card it should come only from a store where the couple is registered.
14. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
15. Gifts should be removed from the registry to avoid the headaches of double gifts. Ask for help from a store assistant if you are confused.
16. Gifts should come wrapped in wedding paper with a wedding card.
17. Don’t get the couple something they didn’t ask for! It’s not clever and/or original, it’s annoying.
18. It’s nice to give the couple more than what covers your dinner plates, if you can and want to.

This list is making quite a strong statement about the “proper” way to do things. As such, it garnered over 50 responses, ranging from total agreement to shock and offense.  Some comments, from both sides of the fence:

Jennifer I have never heard of wedding gifts equaling the cost of your plate at the reception. There is really no way for a guest to know what the couple is spending on thier wedding nor should they try to find out… In addition, you do not invite people in order to get a gift, their presence is all that is required.

Bethany I think three times is necessary for the original gift comment. Many of our guests stuck to the registry, some deviated in a pretty acceptable manner, but we received an atrocious candle holder. It was not cute, it was not useful, and their gift was promptly donated. It’s backfired thoughtfulness… If you want to take the time to be a thoughtful guest, these tips are a good place to start.

Ashly I think some of the comments also rely on variables…  I actually showed this list to two of the brides whose weddings I’m attending this year, and they both were a bit appalled at the tone of the article, in addition to some of the comments. For them, while presents are nice, they aren’t going to begrudge a financially straddled friend who can’t afford a gift; because they believe their weddings are about celebrating the union with the people in their life they love, not expecting gifts over an X value…

Mardi Gifts are part of getting married, and there is an etiquette to them, just like everything else surrounding a wedding… Kudos to you for putting together a comprehensive set of rules and guidelines for guests! Thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish I could share this with some of my guests who chose to ignore the “rules.” (There are people who CAME to the wedding who never sent a gift – not to mention those who DIDN’T come to the wedding and didn’t send a gift.)

Harper I am getting married in 12 days. I found the gift giving section offensive as well, although I see that it wasn’t intended to be… having friends and family celebrate their union is what matters. In place of a gift a card of congratulations would be a nice alternative, and only a few bucks. It is also a nice way for the couple to look back on their day and remember everyone who was there if they forgot to sign the guest book… In weddings that I was involved in, my gift was doing everything from making favors to stuffing envelopes along with watching the couples dogs while they vacationed. Be creative people, it doesn’t have to be a material gift!!

Nikki I did NOT find the tone of this article to be inappropriate. It is well written and everything on there is accurate. I think people are a little confused. This is ettiquette for the guests not the bride and groom. The bride and groom should never expect gifts. That is not what the day is about. But a guest should never attend without a gift unless financial situations warrant this (in that case, I’m sure the bride and groom are aware anyways). As for the price of the gift, I have ALWAYS been taught that it should be at least the cost of your plate. Maybe this is one of those things that changes from region to region.

Jay My fiancee and I found your gift-giving section so offensive that it has inspired us to insert explicit directions within our invitation that we do not expect or want gifts; the gift is the person’s presence at the wedding. We are inviting 150 people, and feel this is the right thing to do. We already have plenty, and getting gifts would just be greedy.

Personally, I think that to expect a gift from each person equalling or surpassing the price a meal is silly and a bit immature.  At my own wedding 4 years ago, I was thrilled to have the chance to celebrate the occasion with all my friends and family. I had no expectations regarding gifts. The fact that I DID receive gifts was fantastic and I was grateful for each one, regardless of whether or not it was on my registry, or whether it was something I really wanted or needed. (You can always regift something, or give it away to a charity or to someone else who will appreciate it.) And I certainly wasn’t calculating how much the gift cost, or taking offence if it wasn’t on my registry (or not wrapped properly, etc)! In my opinion, every gift is a bonus. I invited people to my wedding because I really wanted them to be there!

Having said that, as a guest, it is proper to find out what’s expected of you, and in general giving a gift is the proper thing to do. It seems that in some circles, there is a very strong gift-giving ettiquete, as stated in 88 Things You Need to Know Before Attending a Wedding. A guest should do their best to be senstive and not offend the bride and groom.

I am curious to know what YOU think about wedding gift etiquette!

photo from janeandphilipswedding

1) Name the city I’m living in now.

2) Name at least two of my closest friends.

3) Name my current employer and my past employer.

4) Do I have any kids?

5) Do you know the name of my fiancé? Bonus question: Where and when did we meet?

6) Do you know where my parents are and whether they are still alive?

7) Name at least two of my hobbies.

How old am I?

9) Where did I go to college?

10) Name my last boyfriend before this engagement. Bonus question: if you can name the last two and why we broke up. If you get the bonus question right, that might automatically get you in.

Audry Irvine claims that this is a tactic she’d love to use to weed out unwanted wedding guests. Anyone who answered less than half the questions right would not be invited to the wedding.

Humorous of not, you don’t really need a silly quiz like that to decide who to invite to your wedding.  Making a guest list should not be all that confusing or burdensome. Remember, it’s about having those near and dear to you share the most special day of your life! If they are NOT near or dear, don’t invite them! If you posses a little delicacy and common sense, you’ll do jut fine.  I’d suggest asking YOURSELF the following questions:

1. Who do I love the most? This one’s easy! If the thought of your old college roommate makes you smile, even if you haven’t spoken to her in years (and she may not know the name of your employer or your past boyfriends) invite her!

2. Who am I obligated to invite? This generally includes family members, even the ones you don’t know well or don’t really like.  And yes, you do have to invite your dad, even though he lives in Alaska and never even sends you a holiday card. That’s called RESPECT.

3. Talk to your parents about a few close friends they want to invite. (Key word is “few,” unless your parents are helping you pay for the wedding.) Even though it is your day, your parents are proud of you and what to share your big day with their closest friends too. This goes for in-laws’ friends as well. Unless you like being completely selfish, this is the right thing to do.

“Behind the Wedding Scenes” blog suggests removing entire categories to help keep the guests to a minimum. “Decide no kids, no work-related people, no relations beyond first cousins, no dates for singles, no redheads.”

If you find that even with all this trimming and cutting you still have too many people on your list, consider cutting something else. Maybe you can skip the wedding favors or reduce the amount of flowers. Use a DJ instead of hiring a band.  Search the web for many more ways to cut wedding costs and do-if-yourself options, and put the money saved toward expanding your guest list.

“Behind the Wedding Scenes” also suggest making it hard for a large number of people to attend:

• Hold the wedding in the middle of the week.
• Hold the wedding at a distant location.
• Require formal attire or elaborate, expensive costumes.
• Hold the wedding at an inconvenient time (6am).

And a little more helpful advice:

• Send out the invitation six to eight weeks before the event. As you get negative responses, send out your “B list” invitations to people who didn’t make the cut. Stop sending invitations out a month before the wedding date; last-minute invitees will realize their status and be insulted.
• Manage expectations among potential guests. Let it be known that you plan on a small wedding so that no one is really expecting to be invited. If an invitation arrives, the invitee will be deeply flattered, but those who are not invited will not be hurt–at least that’s the theory.
• You are expected to include spouses, fiances or long-term live-in companions of your guests. If a guest is only casually dating, you are not obliged to extend an invitation to his date.
• If you forget to invite someone, the next time you see them act annoyed with them for not sending back the RSVP card.