This is a website for brides… and brides-to-be! So if you are single but want to be married, here are the 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.”

I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a “mensch”?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.”

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiter, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!”

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Copied with permission from Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

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You will need to meet with a potential caterer during the event-planning process.  He or she will help to make your big day a success, and you’ll want someone who is easy to work with and reliable. Some caterers only work in certain venues, so you will probably need to have selected a venue before you choose a caterer.

You also should consider asking for references from the caterer. If possible, it would be a good idea to preview another reception (at least the set-up portion) so that you can make sure that everything flows smoothly. Here are some key questions, from Knot for Life, that you should ask before you select a caterer. He or she should be willing to answer all questions openly.

Questions for the Caterer

The Cost

The first question is to get a general idea of cost. You should know an approximate number of people who will be there, keeping in mind that the caterer typically will add 10 percent to the number you give. Ask about the price for a buffet, a seated dinner, and for a bar if you want one.

Sample Menus

Once you have an idea of the cost, ask the caterer for sample menus that will fit in each price estimate. You need to be sure to speak to the caterer about special dietary restriction, such as vegetarian substitutions for some guests if needed.

Seating Arrangements

You and the caterer should be able to work together on the seating arrangements. Ask the caterer for her ideas about the seating with a chart if possible. The caterer should be able to give you an idea of the number of people who can fit comfortably in your venue with certain types of tables.

The Set-Up

While discussing the set-up, ask about whether the caterer provides tables, chairs, linens, and other items. If not, he can probably suggest places where you can get those items, and you need to coordinate those reservations as soon as possible.

Alcohol

The other major topic you will need to discuss is whether or not alcohol will be served. If you do not plan to have alcohol, let the caterer know, and the issue is over. If you do plan to serve alcohol, be sure that the caterer offers alcohol service and find out about how it works as far as pricing. There are a large number of options. You can offer a certain number of drinks per guests with a cash bar afterward. If you would like more control over how much your guests drink, set up a limit of bottles of champagne or drinks per guest. You need to be sure that the caterer has liability insurance to cover the alcohol sales and any other details related to the alcohol.

Payment Terms

There are some details you should take into account as well. Ask about the deposit and when the remainder of the payment is due. In addition you need to ask about whether tipping is acceptable if the caterer provides staff for bar or serving at tables. Also you should find out about how many staff members are included in the standard cost, and if you think there should be more staff members, then you need to ask about hiring additional people.

Final Costs

Find out when you will receive the final cost quote. You typically will not receive it until about 90 days before your wedding. Be prepared for rising costs, particularly if you have a large number of fruits or seafood where price tends to fluctuate. Ask about the payment of the final bill as well as the date when the caterer will need your final head count. You will need to set the RSVP date one week before the caterer needs the head count.

These major issues will help you to ensure that you and your caterer are on the same page with the plans for your wedding. The caterer plays an important parting your wedding day, so don’t make any decisions with which you don’t feel comfortable. If you feel comfortable with the caterer, you will have one less stressful part of your wedding day.

For more wedding planning tips, visit Knot for Life!

According to Dov Heller, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the essence of love is friendship. “LOVE IS A RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH EACH PERSON VALIDATES AND RESPECTS THE OTHER PERSON’S FEELINGS AND INDIVIDUALITY AND IS COMMITTED TO NURTURING THE OTHER PERSON’S GROWTH, WELL-BEING AND HAPPINESS.”

Here are a list of very important questions to ask yourself, before you say “I Do”:

1. What is your worst fear if you marry this person?

2. What do you still need to know in order to be certain you want to marry this person?

3. Is he/she a kind person?

4. Is he/she a responsible and honest person?

5. Do you find him/her attractive?

6. Does he/she take care of his personal hygiene, health, and nutrition?

7. Do you feel this person is trying to change you?

8. Do you feel fully accepted by this person?

9. Do you admire and respect this person?

10. What do you see when you look in his/her eyes?

11. Does he/she like him/herself?

12. Do you work well together as a team?

13. Are your values, priorities, life philosophy, and goals compatible?

14. Do you communicate well and listen to each other?

15. Is this person unhappy? Depressed? Confused?

16. Do you understand how men and women’s primary emotional needs are different?

17. Do you trust his/her judgment?

18. Can you live with this person exactly the way he/she is today?

19. What is this person really into? Do you respect and identify with it?

20. Can you express your feelings and opinions honestly and openly with this person?

21. Is he/she critical or judgmental of you?

22. Do you feel emotionally safe with this person?

23. Are you afraid of this person in any way?

24. Can you be yourself with this person? Can you be playful?

25. Can you be vulnerable with this person?

26. Do you like the way you feel when you’re with this person? Do you feel relaxed?

27. Is this person emotionally available?

28. Does this person have any compulsive behaviors or addictions?

29. Was this person abused in any way growing up?

30. Are there any psychological disorders in either of your families?

31. Do you trust him, without a doubt?

32. Does he/she have integrity?

33. Do you care about what happens to this person and want to help him/her succeed in life?

34. Are you certain that this person will respect your feelings and needs?

35. Do you want to have children with this person?

36. Would you want your kids to be like this person?

37. Do you want to be more like this person?

38. Have you thoroughly checked out this person’s character with reliable people?

39. Are you in agreement about your “lifestyle” and family expectations?

photo credit: wedding bells blog… thanks!!