Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open.  To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these 10 insights.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after their married… for the worst!”

So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,” while you’re single — and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate is a goal mate — two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.

Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

It is not necessary to take a “test drive” in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?”

This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage.

Reprinted with permission. Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

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Watch this video to hear the advice of these wise women, each happily married for over 50 years!

And if you’re looking for more every-day wisdom, you should check out her book, How to Sew a Button. Practical and empowering, this book is a collection of the treasured wisdom from nanas, bubbies, and grandmas from all across the country—as well as modern-day experts. You will access more than one hundred step-by-step essential tips for cooking, cleaning, and entertaining.

Each of these grandmas survived The Great Depression, and their stories on making due, helping others, finding fun, and even falling in love are the basis for How to Sew a Button.  They can teach you how to make life much simpler, sweeter, and richer—and a lot more fun, too! And, as your grandmother might say, if you want to save money, it pays to learn how to do things yourself!

The Valentine’s Day tradition started in the early 1700s, and for centuries it was celebrated with an exchange of handwritten notes and handmade tokens of affection.  (You can thank the Victorians for today’s Valentine’s Day style—they liked their paper goodies dolled up with lavish images of lovebirds, cupids, and flowers!)   When printing technology began to improve, mass-produced cards become the norm. But if your local drugstore’s offerings fall short of your grand expectations, you can opt to create handmade Valentine’s Day gifts and greetings that are truly authentic, and won’t fail in the romance department either.

Wikipedia says that lovers have traditionally expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines“).  So whether you chose something edible, grow-able, or save-able, your loved one will sure to delight in the sweetness of your hand-made tokens of love.  Below, Brides.com asked eight of their favorite designers to share their best ideas for homemade valentines.

DIY Moleskine “Top 10″ Photo Album

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Turn an ordinary blank sketchbook into a romantic photo keepsake.

• Read our directions

Fondant “I Heart U” Pops

Pastry chef Melody Brandon shows us how to transform ordinary donut holes into a special treat.

• Get the instructions

Sweets for My Sweet!

Baker Naomi Henderson shares a simple tutorial on decorating with fondant to create cute cupcakes.

• Read it here

Matchbook Scrapbook

The design mavens behind Nice Package explain how to make a custom scrapbook for Valentine’s Day.

• See how here

“Love Grows” Bulb Garden

Studio Choo presents a stylish Valentine’s Day centerpiece that you can easily make at home.

• Learn how to create them here

Simple Mason Jar Arrangement

Event designer Megan Fickling demonstrates how to turn supermarket staples into clever centerpieces.

• Read the instructions

Paper Punch Valentine

Stationery designer Sally Shim gives the how-to’s for an easy DIY valentine.

• Get the directions

Candy Matchboxes

Stationery designer Brooke Reynolds shows us how to turn matchboxes into sweet candy containers.

• Read the how-tos here

Do you have a favorite homemade Valentine idea? Please share it with us!!

Rivkin explains that an affair does not happen “out of the blue.” Rather, it is an extreme symptom of a relationship that has been in trouble for some time. Cheating in a marriage is the result of one thing: “Lack.” A lack of love, attention, sex, recognition, respect, communication, or connection, that builds up over the years, can become so painful that a person will often act out by cheating.

So, how do we avoid getting to this point in our marriage? Below are Rivkin’s seven steps to avoid the lack and a potential affair:

1. Avoid complacency: Don’t ever take your relationship for granted. Relationships need to be nourished daily by a kind word, appreciation, a loving kiss, a smile. Complacency is a warning signal that you and your partner are out of touch with each other.

2. Keep the lines of communication open: Don’t sweep issues under the rug. They won’t go away! Learn ways to resolve arguments so recurring arguments don’t continue.

3. Pay attention to your gut: If you’re feeling something isn’t quite right in your relationship, 99 percent of the time you’re correct. Find a way to approach your partner to talk about things. Keep your relationship current by checking in on a weekly basis to make sure things aren’t building up.

4. Find time for each other: Don’t get so busy that you forget to have a date with your partner. Make time away from the kids, chores, work, etc., to renew your loving feelings. Remember how important your partner is to you. Tell them, by making time for them.

5. Know when it’s a time of stress and pay attention to your partner even more: Some common trigger times for extra stress in a relationship are having a baby, buying a house, changes in finances, empty nest syndrome and death of a family member or friend. During these stressful times, pay extra attention to the marriage. Let your spouse know you’re there and make even more time to connect with each other.

6. Understand the real issues in your relationship: Learn tools for resolving arguments. Avoid blaming, shaming and the need to always be right in an argument. Learn what you’re really fighting about so that you can resolve your issues. If you’re fighting about the wrong thing, you’ll never resolve the arguments.

7. Always remember what it was that made you fall in love with your spouse: Too often we allow our disagreements to cloud our love for our partner and we forgot why we even fell in love! Keep your sense of humor. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and don’t make them your enemy.

For more on love, sex, and marriage, visit Hitched!

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Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks about showing her love with a little baking. There’s an iVillage community called Bake Some Love, where members can post recipes and ideas, just because you want to show some appreciate for those you love. Because after all, “Sometimes nothing shows you care like a warm batch of freshly-baked cookies…” Right?

So if you love to bake– and even more so, if you can’t stand it– why not take 20 minutes to whip up a batch of love? It’s a small way to say, “I’ve been thinking about you. Hope you enjoy!”

Feature image from eHow.

Now this probably seems obvious to you, but the ironic part is that so many couples are working very hard to be able to afford some fun… and yet they don’t make any time to actually do that. Another recent study found that couples are spending less time together than ever. It’s no wonder that, between trying to make a living these days, being an involved parent, and juggling various other obligations, “couple time” is hard to come by.

But all work and no play may lead to real marital disaster. And besides being a tragedy in itself, it’s going to costs a whole lot of money to fix, which most couples can afford even less.

Making Time for Fun

Problem #1 is that men and women seem to have different definitions of fun (stating the obvious, again?!) For men, “play” means a shared activity, like going to a game or playing ball together. Women define play by getting together with a close friend and having an intimate conversation. If a couple is actually going to have fun together, each one needs to understand what the other is looking for, and attempt to meld those two wishes together.

Watching TV or going to a movie does NOT qualify as having fun together. Although you are doing something with the other person, they are really solitary experiences. Fun is best achieved through doing something new and even somewhat exciting! This builds great memories and a history of good times shared.

So try something you haven’t done before with your mate, even if that means stretching slightly beyond your comfort zone. (A bike ride on a new path, going to a shop where you can paint ceramics, taking a couples dance class, trying a new restaurant…)  When time is short try cooking a new dish together (or even an old favorite) while talking, or just going to the coffee shop for a quick cup.

For some ideas, check out Cheap Date Ideas at Marie Claire.

Do you and your partner take time to have fun together? What type of things do you enjoy doing as a couple? Please leave a comment with your thoughts and ideas!

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., (www.drkarensherman.com),a practicing psychologist in relationships and lifestyle issues, says “NO WAY!” According to Dr. Sherman, it’s the little things, particularly well-loved rituals, that let your spouse know you care. It’s all about the security of being a pair, and acceptance and understanding that comes with a deep connection.

This desire for feeling connected all starts right from the beginning when you are born and in your childhood—there’s a need for attachment to a caring figure. When couples come in for help, the biggest problem I see is a sense of disconnection and feeling that he or she does not matter to his or her partner. The question then becomes how do you let your mate know that he or she really is important to you?

Do you remember the movie, Fiddler on the Roof? At one point in the script, the couple reflects on all the things that they do for each other, but then ask, “Do you love me?” For me, this raises the issue that perhaps going out and working all day to support the family or staying home and taking care of the house and kids—as monumental as those tasks are—are just not enough to let the other person know how you feel about them.

There are a lot of things you can do to let each other know how important you are to one another. They are rituals. They say a lot about your bond, even thought they are only small behaviors.

Dr. Sherman points out that for most people, acknowlaging birthdays and anniversaries is important. It lets your spouse know that he or she is not forgotten. You can turn this opportunity into a yearly ritual that will come to be cherished over time. “You don’t even need Hallmark to do the job; my father-in-law always wrote a poem for my mother-in-law on the morning of their anniversary and left it on the kitchen table before he left for work. He wrote it on a napkin! She never complained that she felt ignored.”

Daily rituals are equally important, and Dr. Sherman shares one that her husband does to start off each day. “When he hears me get up, he comes to greet me with a hug and kiss. I can’t even tell you what it means to me to feel so welcomed each day.”

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Do something to greet or say good-bye to one another—even if the absence is for short periods.
2. Have a ritual to acknowledge each other at the beginning and ending of each day.
3. During the day, make a phone call, send an e-mail or send a text message in order to connect with each other.
4. Rather than just spending time together to resolve an issue, make sure there’s also some time put aside just for enjoyment.
5. If one of you has to go on a trip, leave a surprise note inside the luggage.
6. If your partner has accomplished something special (even if it’s around the house), let others know within earshot of your partner.
7. If your mate is having a problem, try being supportive rather than trying to fix the issue.
8. Show appreciation to your spouse for things he or she has done—even if it’s mundane.
9. Bring novelty into your relationship. When you try new things together, it helps to keep the relationship fresh. And when you share this adventure together, it’s also connecting.
10. Turn on the affection. Touch is very important for a sense of connection.

Remember, this is only a starter list. Keep it going! And remember, the more personal your rituals the more meaningful they will be. The need for connection is something you both need and when it’s there, it is very magical!

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., (www.drkarensherman.com) is a practicing psychologist in relationships and lifestyle issues for over 20 years. She offers teleseminars and is the author of “Mindfulness and the Art of Choice: Transform Your Life” and co-author of “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make it Last.”

Source: Hitched: Entertains, educates, and inspires marriages

Special gifts to say “I love you” for her… and for him!

Maybe it takes a poet to express the first, and a philosopher to explain the second. If you want to unlock the secrets of a good marriage, start with these quotes from some of the world’s most famous people. You can find a longer list at about.com… these are some of my favorites to give you something to think about:

Mohandas K Gandhi
I first learned the concept of non-violence in my marriage.
Socrates
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Mark Twain
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Mignon McLaughlin
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Friedrich Nietzsche
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Leo Tolstoy
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Ruth Bell Graham
A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

Bill Doherty
I now think of marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we’ve hit a rough spot in a marriage that’s actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter its own winter at some point. So do we just keep moving on, or do we make our stand now – with this person, in this season? That’s the moral, existential question we face when our marriage is in trouble.

And I rarely even think about them.

Not so with most women, according to this piece by Simon Mills, titled What men really think about women and their obsession with wedding rings.  He accuses ladies these days  of being completely obsessed with wedding rings, noting with glee which celebrities are wearing theirs and which ones are not.

Madonna is ring-less?

The man thinks: “Perhaps she left it on the bathroom sink. Perhaps she wanted to give her famously bony fingers a rest. Perhaps she’d just been doing a bit of yoga, or cleaning the bath with a dab of powerful and potentially corrosive Cillit Bang (OK, unlikely).”

The woman chooses to: “immediately opt for the most emotionally overwrought, worst case scenario of infidelity, public cuckolding and long, drawn-out marital meltdown.”

Mr. Mills, who has been married for over a decade, doesn’t even know if his wife wears her rings, he hasn’t noticed. If he did want to sneak a peek, he isn’t sure which finger he should be looking at. (Note to guys: It’s usually the ring finger on the left hand– that’s the finger next to your pinkie!) “The banal, cod-forensic examination of female digits for those telltale signs of marital unrest, infidelity or impending divorce is, to us, not only just a little bit creepy, but also one of those things… that men just don’t get. We are, if you pardon the dreadful pun, completely bored of the rings.”

An interesting side note, according to StreetDirectory:

In ancient times, accepting a wedding ring constituted a legally binding agreement between husband and wife. The wife became property of the husband, a holding of sorts. It also represented protection to the wife—a protection against challengers seizing her legal and rightful position in a power grab.

Early Egyptian wedding rings were simple circular bands, crudely crafted from indigenous materials such as hemp and reeds. The lifespan of the average wedding ring was approximately one year. It’s a safe bet that the average marriage outlasted the average wedding band, since the eternal circle signified eternal love and devotion.

… In ancient times, wedding bands occupied the third finger on the left hand just as they do today. The significance of the third finger was the belief that the vein in the third finger, the ‘vena amoris,’ led directly to the heart.

There actually is no vena amoris. The origin of the wedding ring is unromantic, to say the least. Folklore and superstition form most of its symbolism.  Rings are awkward and expensive.  So why wear one anyway?  Today people choose to see the circular shape of a ring as symbolic of “eternity, endlessness, and something that can not be broken. Wedding rings are given as a token of unending love for each other. Traditionally, as a symbol of strength in the marriage, wedding rings are made from a metal.”

Whether or not you wear your ring on your finger, we hope that the feeling of “eternity and unending love” will rest be in our hearts always.  And let Madonna worry about her own marriage.

I thought Sherry Amatenstein’s advice was sensible, and if you can’t seem to find true love, her commentary might give you the help you need to make a change.  “If one or two sound familiar,” she says, “Don’t beat yourself up.  Just recognize that you deserve better and commit to making a change for good.”

Excuse me for cutting and pasting… Here we go!

1. If you think love will never find you, it won’t. I receive many posts on the Dating Doyenne board from women whose romantic disappointments have left them convinced there is something inherently unlovable about them. They say things like: “Who would want me anyway? I’m sure I’m going to wind up alone.”

Obviously these women are as worthy of love as you and I. (Yes, we’re worthy!) But they’ve come down with something so awful it can keep them solo for years to come: self-fulfilling prophecy, or SFP. SFP isn’t contagious but it will make potential dates run the opposite way. It’s an insidious disease. Physically, it leaves the sufferer untouched. But the more one walks around saying, “I will never find love,” the higher the odds that expectation will come true. Contrarily, the sunnier one’s thoughts

— “I’m such a cool, happy person that I’m bound to find love” — the sunnier the forecast for her romantic future.

If you’re among those throwing one too many pity parties for herself, get busy: Start a journal. Each day write down something lovable about yourself. It will get easier with time. You can even consider calling or emailing a few close friends or relatives, so they can share reasons they think a man would be lucky to have you. Level with them about why you’re making this request, and they’ll probably be happy to help. Whenever a negative thought threatens to invade your mind, replace it with a positive one.

Uncover the other love mistakes that might be keeping you single right here:

2. Kick the bad-boy habit. News flash: Good guys have not gone the way of the 8-track. They exist in bulk. The trick is learning to both recognize and want a man of worth. “For years I was attracted to guys whose mission was to hurt me,” says reformed bad-boy lover Adelle Harris, a 32-year-old Chicago Web designer. “It would be obvious from the get-go. They’d never call when they said they would, were constantly caught in stupid lies, said they loved me, then ran around with other women. One even tried to seduce my best friend.” During these years, Adelle kept railing that her dates were the best of a bad lot: No man could be kind or faithful. Then she attended a cousin’s wedding. “Naomi’s bridegroom Rick was the sweetest man in the world. He obviously adored my cousin and lived to please her,” says Adelle. “Seeing the sweet, loving light in his eyes, I vowed that one day I’d meet a man who would look at me like I was a treasure.”

Adelle took a dating hiatus and did some much-needed thinking about the root of her obsession with bad boys. “My dad was a life-of-the-party type, but as a husband and father he was cold and uncaring,” she admits. “He left for good when I was 10. After that, the few times I’d see him I’d practically do cartwheels to win his attention. When I was old enough to have a boyfriend, I began metaphorically dating my dad. Once I realized what I’d been doing, I started seeing the appeal of guys who weren’t as flashy or unreliable, guys who were capable of caring.”

Today Adelle is engaged — to a Rick type. “I can’t believe I wasted all that time on men who treated me like dirt,” she says. “But it was worth it, I guess because it eventually taught me to truly appreciate a good man.”

3. Repeat after me: Love is not a synonym for leash. When Gina Thomas, a 29-year-old Manhattan magazine art director, got engaged, it seemed like a dream come true. In her fantasies she and her fiancé Bill would do everything together. Bill had a different definition. “Once we moved in together I assumed Bill would cut out the biweekly poker games with the guys and the occasional nights out after work,” says Gina. “Our jobs left us little free time as it was. We shouldn’t have wasted it on other people.”

Wanting your partner to be with you 24/7 is not realistic or fair, yet like Gina many women feel abandoned or unloved if their other half has needs (say, for male camaraderie or occasional solitude) that can’t be fulfilled by the relationship.
Gina’s insecurity and neediness led her to make Bill feel like he was under house arrest. And no matter how plush the jail, eventually a prisoner wants to be set free. The two split.

The happiest couples allow each other breathing room to grow. The more dynamic their lives apart (in terms of jobs, hobbies, friends), the more they’ll have to share with each other when they get together.

4. Don’t commit emotional infidelity. It is vital that your partner be someone you treat with courtesy and kindness. If you tell all of your favorite jokes and “bad day” stories to a friend or male coworker, what will you have left when you get home to your honey? It may sound crazy, but there is a premium on a person’s time and energy — there is only so much of it to go around — and if you spend yours with someone else, you’re potentially hurting your relationship. Even worse is betraying your partner’s confidences with a male friend or coworker. Just ask Dorinne Badenstadt, a 34-year-old chef from Santa Fe, New Mexico. “After six years of marriage my husband Ed and I started growing apart. Nothing drastic, but he was no longer the first person I’d tell when something good or bad happened,” she says. “That honor belonged to my neighbor Don.”

Dorinne never slept with Don, but she did begin sharing intimacies, such as the fact that her husband wore a toupee, a fact Don joked about at a neighborhood barbecue. Ed was shocked and felt betrayed at hearing his business discussed over hot dogs and beer. He accused his wife of disloyalty, precipitating the biggest fight the pair had ever had. The couple patched things up, but Dorinne was reminded the hard way that her marriage needed to be the number one relationship in her life.

5. You’re wrong if you need to be right. When Anne Ryan, a 29-year-old from Chicago, met her boyfriend Sam, she was delighted that the two had so much in common. Both were lawyers and loved to tango, downhill ski and play chess. Both were also stubbornly prideful. “Sam was perfect except for one horrible flaw,” says Anne. “He always needed to be right — whether it was about which restaurant served better burgers or which of us had apologized first after our last fight. What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that I was just as bad. I couldn’t admit that I’d forgotten to give him an important phone message or that his desire to move to L.A. was something I should seriously consider. I wanted to stay in Chicago and that was all that mattered. It was my way or the highway.”

Sam eventually took the highway — heading due west. If you and/or your partner can never admit to being wrong, you’ll win a few TKOs but you’ll never win much satisfaction. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness. Correction, Ali McGraw: Love does mean occasionally having to say you’re sorry