Maybe it takes a poet to express the first, and a philosopher to explain the second. If you want to unlock the secrets of a good marriage, start with these quotes from some of the world’s most famous people. You can find a longer list at about.com… these are some of my favorites to give you something to think about:

Mohandas K Gandhi
I first learned the concept of non-violence in my marriage.
Socrates
My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Mark Twain
Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.

Mignon McLaughlin
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

Friedrich Nietzsche
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

Leo Tolstoy
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Ruth Bell Graham
A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers.

Bill Doherty
I now think of marriage like I think about living in my home state of Minnesota. You move into marriage in the springtime of hope, but eventually arrive at the Minnesota winter, with its cold and darkness. Many of us are tempted to give up and move south at this point, not realizing that maybe we’ve hit a rough spot in a marriage that’s actually above average. The problem with giving up, of course, is that our next marriage will enter its own winter at some point. So do we just keep moving on, or do we make our stand now – with this person, in this season? That’s the moral, existential question we face when our marriage is in trouble.

And I rarely even think about them.

Not so with most women, according to this piece by Simon Mills, titled What men really think about women and their obsession with wedding rings.  He accuses ladies these days  of being completely obsessed with wedding rings, noting with glee which celebrities are wearing theirs and which ones are not.

Madonna is ring-less?

The man thinks: “Perhaps she left it on the bathroom sink. Perhaps she wanted to give her famously bony fingers a rest. Perhaps she’d just been doing a bit of yoga, or cleaning the bath with a dab of powerful and potentially corrosive Cillit Bang (OK, unlikely).”

The woman chooses to: “immediately opt for the most emotionally overwrought, worst case scenario of infidelity, public cuckolding and long, drawn-out marital meltdown.”

Mr. Mills, who has been married for over a decade, doesn’t even know if his wife wears her rings, he hasn’t noticed. If he did want to sneak a peek, he isn’t sure which finger he should be looking at. (Note to guys: It’s usually the ring finger on the left hand– that’s the finger next to your pinkie!) “The banal, cod-forensic examination of female digits for those telltale signs of marital unrest, infidelity or impending divorce is, to us, not only just a little bit creepy, but also one of those things… that men just don’t get. We are, if you pardon the dreadful pun, completely bored of the rings.”

An interesting side note, according to StreetDirectory:

In ancient times, accepting a wedding ring constituted a legally binding agreement between husband and wife. The wife became property of the husband, a holding of sorts. It also represented protection to the wife—a protection against challengers seizing her legal and rightful position in a power grab.

Early Egyptian wedding rings were simple circular bands, crudely crafted from indigenous materials such as hemp and reeds. The lifespan of the average wedding ring was approximately one year. It’s a safe bet that the average marriage outlasted the average wedding band, since the eternal circle signified eternal love and devotion.

… In ancient times, wedding bands occupied the third finger on the left hand just as they do today. The significance of the third finger was the belief that the vein in the third finger, the ‘vena amoris,’ led directly to the heart.

There actually is no vena amoris. The origin of the wedding ring is unromantic, to say the least. Folklore and superstition form most of its symbolism.  Rings are awkward and expensive.  So why wear one anyway?  Today people choose to see the circular shape of a ring as symbolic of “eternity, endlessness, and something that can not be broken. Wedding rings are given as a token of unending love for each other. Traditionally, as a symbol of strength in the marriage, wedding rings are made from a metal.”

Whether or not you wear your ring on your finger, we hope that the feeling of “eternity and unending love” will rest be in our hearts always.  And let Madonna worry about her own marriage.

I thought Sherry Amatenstein’s advice was sensible, and if you can’t seem to find true love, her commentary might give you the help you need to make a change.  “If one or two sound familiar,” she says, “Don’t beat yourself up.  Just recognize that you deserve better and commit to making a change for good.”

Excuse me for cutting and pasting… Here we go!

1. If you think love will never find you, it won’t. I receive many posts on the Dating Doyenne board from women whose romantic disappointments have left them convinced there is something inherently unlovable about them. They say things like: “Who would want me anyway? I’m sure I’m going to wind up alone.”

Obviously these women are as worthy of love as you and I. (Yes, we’re worthy!) But they’ve come down with something so awful it can keep them solo for years to come: self-fulfilling prophecy, or SFP. SFP isn’t contagious but it will make potential dates run the opposite way. It’s an insidious disease. Physically, it leaves the sufferer untouched. But the more one walks around saying, “I will never find love,” the higher the odds that expectation will come true. Contrarily, the sunnier one’s thoughts

— “I’m such a cool, happy person that I’m bound to find love” — the sunnier the forecast for her romantic future.

If you’re among those throwing one too many pity parties for herself, get busy: Start a journal. Each day write down something lovable about yourself. It will get easier with time. You can even consider calling or emailing a few close friends or relatives, so they can share reasons they think a man would be lucky to have you. Level with them about why you’re making this request, and they’ll probably be happy to help. Whenever a negative thought threatens to invade your mind, replace it with a positive one.

Uncover the other love mistakes that might be keeping you single right here:

2. Kick the bad-boy habit. News flash: Good guys have not gone the way of the 8-track. They exist in bulk. The trick is learning to both recognize and want a man of worth. “For years I was attracted to guys whose mission was to hurt me,” says reformed bad-boy lover Adelle Harris, a 32-year-old Chicago Web designer. “It would be obvious from the get-go. They’d never call when they said they would, were constantly caught in stupid lies, said they loved me, then ran around with other women. One even tried to seduce my best friend.” During these years, Adelle kept railing that her dates were the best of a bad lot: No man could be kind or faithful. Then she attended a cousin’s wedding. “Naomi’s bridegroom Rick was the sweetest man in the world. He obviously adored my cousin and lived to please her,” says Adelle. “Seeing the sweet, loving light in his eyes, I vowed that one day I’d meet a man who would look at me like I was a treasure.”

Adelle took a dating hiatus and did some much-needed thinking about the root of her obsession with bad boys. “My dad was a life-of-the-party type, but as a husband and father he was cold and uncaring,” she admits. “He left for good when I was 10. After that, the few times I’d see him I’d practically do cartwheels to win his attention. When I was old enough to have a boyfriend, I began metaphorically dating my dad. Once I realized what I’d been doing, I started seeing the appeal of guys who weren’t as flashy or unreliable, guys who were capable of caring.”

Today Adelle is engaged — to a Rick type. “I can’t believe I wasted all that time on men who treated me like dirt,” she says. “But it was worth it, I guess because it eventually taught me to truly appreciate a good man.”

3. Repeat after me: Love is not a synonym for leash. When Gina Thomas, a 29-year-old Manhattan magazine art director, got engaged, it seemed like a dream come true. In her fantasies she and her fiancé Bill would do everything together. Bill had a different definition. “Once we moved in together I assumed Bill would cut out the biweekly poker games with the guys and the occasional nights out after work,” says Gina. “Our jobs left us little free time as it was. We shouldn’t have wasted it on other people.”

Wanting your partner to be with you 24/7 is not realistic or fair, yet like Gina many women feel abandoned or unloved if their other half has needs (say, for male camaraderie or occasional solitude) that can’t be fulfilled by the relationship.
Gina’s insecurity and neediness led her to make Bill feel like he was under house arrest. And no matter how plush the jail, eventually a prisoner wants to be set free. The two split.

The happiest couples allow each other breathing room to grow. The more dynamic their lives apart (in terms of jobs, hobbies, friends), the more they’ll have to share with each other when they get together.

4. Don’t commit emotional infidelity. It is vital that your partner be someone you treat with courtesy and kindness. If you tell all of your favorite jokes and “bad day” stories to a friend or male coworker, what will you have left when you get home to your honey? It may sound crazy, but there is a premium on a person’s time and energy — there is only so much of it to go around — and if you spend yours with someone else, you’re potentially hurting your relationship. Even worse is betraying your partner’s confidences with a male friend or coworker. Just ask Dorinne Badenstadt, a 34-year-old chef from Santa Fe, New Mexico. “After six years of marriage my husband Ed and I started growing apart. Nothing drastic, but he was no longer the first person I’d tell when something good or bad happened,” she says. “That honor belonged to my neighbor Don.”

Dorinne never slept with Don, but she did begin sharing intimacies, such as the fact that her husband wore a toupee, a fact Don joked about at a neighborhood barbecue. Ed was shocked and felt betrayed at hearing his business discussed over hot dogs and beer. He accused his wife of disloyalty, precipitating the biggest fight the pair had ever had. The couple patched things up, but Dorinne was reminded the hard way that her marriage needed to be the number one relationship in her life.

5. You’re wrong if you need to be right. When Anne Ryan, a 29-year-old from Chicago, met her boyfriend Sam, she was delighted that the two had so much in common. Both were lawyers and loved to tango, downhill ski and play chess. Both were also stubbornly prideful. “Sam was perfect except for one horrible flaw,” says Anne. “He always needed to be right — whether it was about which restaurant served better burgers or which of us had apologized first after our last fight. What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that I was just as bad. I couldn’t admit that I’d forgotten to give him an important phone message or that his desire to move to L.A. was something I should seriously consider. I wanted to stay in Chicago and that was all that mattered. It was my way or the highway.”

Sam eventually took the highway — heading due west. If you and/or your partner can never admit to being wrong, you’ll win a few TKOs but you’ll never win much satisfaction. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness. Correction, Ali McGraw: Love does mean occasionally having to say you’re sorry

And now…

“We are going to a talk to a highly recommended marriage counselor tomorrow,” she told me yesterday, ” But it looks like we are headed for a divorce.” I could hear the pain in her voice and I know this is not what she foresaw as a newlywed bride. “I guess we are just too different.”

I can’t make a judgement about whether or not they really are “too different” for each other. But it seems to me that many couples today, especially inter-racial couples like Rachel and her husband, are by default very different, and those differences are part of what attracts them to each other in the first place. Two people, two sets of habits, two histories, two life views. Inevitably, these differences lead to conflict and feelings of frustration and upheaval.

Getting married is easy. Staying married can seem impossible. This is obvious by the skyrocketing divorce rate. What’s up with people? They’re dating and living together for years and years, getting to know all they can about their future spouse, and yet once they’re married it’s just too hard to stay together. Can it be that people are just not eager to do the work it takes to keep a marriage going?

A wise woman I know once said that the first few years of marriage are all about learning to co-exist– nothing more. Ah, the infamous First Year of marriage! I know lots of happily married couples who tell me they were on the brink of divorce that first year. If people would enter a marriage knowing this, I think they could rough it through the “adjustment period” and go on to have many happy years together.

I don’t know if there’s a secret to staying in love forever, but I think that learning to deal with your spouse’s unique personality (along with his different tastes, annoying habits, strong opinions, etc.) would be a good start. Keeping the peace. Holding your tongue. Biding your time. Being kind, tolerant and respectful. I’d call it “learning to live together gracefully.” It’s a hard at first but don’t worry, it won’t always take this much effort!

Here are five simple rules to help you Stay in Love Forever, by Dov Heller, a licensed Marriage and Famil Therapist who holds two Masters degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University.

1.CHERISH YOUR WIFE. RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND.

The core emotional need of a woman is to be cherished. This is the husband’s number one responsibility. That means making her feel loved and appreciated, that she’s your number one priority.

A man’s core emotional need is to feel respected by his wife. When he comes home, he wants to feel that there is at least one person in the world who thinks he’s got what it takes. That means getting off the phone when he walks in the door.

2.TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE GOOD FRIENDS

The hallmark of friendship is that each person validates and respects the other person’s feelings and needs. Validation means: What’s important to you is important to me. It’s a key way to make your spouse feel loved.

3. REMEMBER THE FOUR GOLDEN WORDS: LISTEN, COMPROMISE, REPAIR, AND GRATITUDE.

Agree to keep one basic rule at the beginning of your marriage: No matter how upset you are, never launch a verbal attack. Fighting with insults only makes problems worse and erodes the relationship. Instead, implement the four golden words:

Listening: It’s essential for working together and solving problems. Allow your spouse to speak without interruption and then repeat what has just been said. This reassures your spouse that he or she was heard.

Compromise: Strive to solve problems where both of you are happy with the solution. Neither one should feel coerced into accepting the other person’s point of view.

Repair: When you hurt each other emotionally, repair the breakdown and remove the lingering feelings of anger and resentment. Aim for 100% reconciliation. A little resentment multiplied 50 times can create a wall of bitterness.

Gratitude: You can never say thank you enough to your spouse. Try to notice everything your spouse does for you and acknowledge it with sincere gratitude.

4. ESTABLISH STRONG BOUNDARIES

Your spouse is your number one priority - not your parents, relatives, friends, children, work, or hobbies. Set strong boundaries that show you value your marriage and don’t allow anyone or anything to weaken your relationship.

That means meeting your spouse’s needs before your parents’ needs, coming home with enough time left in the evening to have quality time together, and inviolate date nights.

5. GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE DAILY

Marriage is ultimately about making each other feel good and striving to give your spouse pleasure on a daily basis - on his or her terms. If she says she likes lilies, don’t bring her roses because you think they’re more romantic.

Learn how your spouse prefers to be given to - whether it’s physical affection, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service (like helping out in the house, running errands) or spending quality time - and get in the daily habit of doing it.

You’ll enjoy giving more than receiving.

According to Dov Heller, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, the essence of love is friendship. “LOVE IS A RELATIONSHIP IN WHICH EACH PERSON VALIDATES AND RESPECTS THE OTHER PERSON’S FEELINGS AND INDIVIDUALITY AND IS COMMITTED TO NURTURING THE OTHER PERSON’S GROWTH, WELL-BEING AND HAPPINESS.”

Here are a list of very important questions to ask yourself, before you say “I Do”:

1. What is your worst fear if you marry this person?

2. What do you still need to know in order to be certain you want to marry this person?

3. Is he/she a kind person?

4. Is he/she a responsible and honest person?

5. Do you find him/her attractive?

6. Does he/she take care of his personal hygiene, health, and nutrition?

7. Do you feel this person is trying to change you?

8. Do you feel fully accepted by this person?

9. Do you admire and respect this person?

10. What do you see when you look in his/her eyes?

11. Does he/she like him/herself?

12. Do you work well together as a team?

13. Are your values, priorities, life philosophy, and goals compatible?

14. Do you communicate well and listen to each other?

15. Is this person unhappy? Depressed? Confused?

16. Do you understand how men and women’s primary emotional needs are different?

17. Do you trust his/her judgment?

18. Can you live with this person exactly the way he/she is today?

19. What is this person really into? Do you respect and identify with it?

20. Can you express your feelings and opinions honestly and openly with this person?

21. Is he/she critical or judgmental of you?

22. Do you feel emotionally safe with this person?

23. Are you afraid of this person in any way?

24. Can you be yourself with this person? Can you be playful?

25. Can you be vulnerable with this person?

26. Do you like the way you feel when you’re with this person? Do you feel relaxed?

27. Is this person emotionally available?

28. Does this person have any compulsive behaviors or addictions?

29. Was this person abused in any way growing up?

30. Are there any psychological disorders in either of your families?

31. Do you trust him, without a doubt?

32. Does he/she have integrity?

33. Do you care about what happens to this person and want to help him/her succeed in life?

34. Are you certain that this person will respect your feelings and needs?

35. Do you want to have children with this person?

36. Would you want your kids to be like this person?

37. Do you want to be more like this person?

38. Have you thoroughly checked out this person’s character with reliable people?

39. Are you in agreement about your “lifestyle” and family expectations?

photo credit: wedding bells blog… thanks!!

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