Don’t let this happen to you!  From the Wedding Examiner, an LA-based creator and conductor of hundreds of civil and event weddings a year, comes Five Ways to Screw Up your Wedding, in 5 Parts. Read and be warned!

Part 1: Don’t get divorced first.

I guess this is a problem that the Examiner experiences often, so I’ll include it even though it seems silly. Apparently some people do not know that there is a difference between being GRANTED a divorce, and a divorce that’s FINAL. People who are ignorant of this do silly things like fly to Vegas and marry someone else, before they are legally divorced, thus technically making them BIGAMISTS. Don’t do that. The Examiner would caution you not to even begin planning your next wedding until you have your FINALIZED divorce papers in hand.

Part 2: Go into debt.

The cost of the “average American wedding” keeps spiralling upward, and this year they’ll have us believe it’s nearing $29,000. The Examiner is skeptical of these statistics, pointing out that “Just one $4 million celebrity wedding can lift hundreds of $25 civil county weddings into “average” territory.” Whatever the real average is, the Marital Industrial Complex will try to push that figure up, telling you that you DESERVE a wedding with all the trappings of royalty… it all look so pretty, I just have to have it!  But if you can’t pay for your party without running up your credit cards or borrowing from friends or taking out an unsecured wedding loan, just say NO.

“Going into debt for Your Special Day will not only ruin your wedding, it’s likely to wreck a good long chunk of your life and credit rating and relationship.  Mortgaging your future is no way to start a marriage… And who wants to be average, anyway?”

Part 3: Have a wedding you’ll hate.

Despite what Granny or Maid of Honor tells you, there’s no such thing as “HAVE TO” when it comes to planning your wedding. If you give in to guilt and peer pressure, you are likely to end up hating your wedding and resenting the people who talked you into it. So there are two other ways to go about the planning:

1. Be tough and do it your way, no matter what everyone else says (as long as YOU are paying for it!)

2. Compromise and incorporate some of the ideas other people suggest. If you think creatively, you may come up with ideas that make EVERYONE (or at least most people) happy!

Part 4: Develop unrealistic expectations.

You can hope and pray that it won’t rain on your wedding day, that the marriage license bureau will be open whenever it’s convenient for you, that your flower girl doesn’t throw a tantrum that will hold up the entire wedding processional, and smoldering family feuds will be forgotten in the joy of your wedding day. But in the unlikely event that things don’t turn out quite as you planned, try this four-point strategy:

1.  Meet unexpected obstacles with grace, creativity, and a sense of humor. It will all make a great story, someday.  Laugh about it, even if you’re not feeling like it’s so funny.  The humor in the situation will catch up to you later (one hopes.)

2.  Deploy the back-up plan. You do have a back-up plan, don’t you?

3.  Take a breath and let it go. Life will go on.  People make mistakes.  You can’t control the weather.  You’re not the only one that matters today and it’s not worth starting a war over. You Will Survive.

4.   Remember why you’re here. Bear in mind your devotion to one another and the larger purpose of this day; if you contemplate that for a moment, nothing else should really matter.

Part 5: Starve, bore and ignore your guests!

Don’t bore your guests: A common grouse about wedding receptions is that they are “frequently too long in duration and too short on substance.”  For  ideas on making your wedding fun, “dig into your hobbies, work, ethnic or national traditions (back in the day at Austrian receptions, the couple had to saw a log in half with a two-person lumberjack saw.  Bet you haven’t seen that lately!)  Your guests will be grateful you made the effort, and they’ll savor the uniqueness for years to come.”

Don’t starve them either: Unless you’re serving a ten-course meal, there’s no need to stretch out  the eating part of things for four hours. After your guests have made the effort to dress up, drive out, and sit through the ceremony, asking them wait even longer before you feed them so you can take photos or change clothes is inconsiderate, especially when there are kids involved.

Don’t ignore, or worse, neglect your guests! If you choose to invite people to your wedding instead of eloping, your first priority is to make sure everyone feels welcome, comfortable, and safe. A gracious bride and groom know that a wedding day is meant to honor the assembled community as well as the newlyweds. Make sure everyone can understand your wedding program and follow what’s going on. Don’t leave guests hanging around not knowing what will happen next.  Scrutinize your venue for hazards such as uneven floors, uncomfortable chairs, poor heating or ventilation. And of course, be hospitable and express your gratitude for their presence not only at your wedding, but in your lives.

And now…

“We are going to a talk to a highly recommended marriage counselor tomorrow,” she told me yesterday, ” But it looks like we are headed for a divorce.” I could hear the pain in her voice and I know this is not what she foresaw as a newlywed bride. “I guess we are just too different.”

I can’t make a judgement about whether or not they really are “too different” for each other. But it seems to me that many couples today, especially inter-racial couples like Rachel and her husband, are by default very different, and those differences are part of what attracts them to each other in the first place. Two people, two sets of habits, two histories, two life views. Inevitably, these differences lead to conflict and feelings of frustration and upheaval.

Getting married is easy. Staying married can seem impossible. This is obvious by the skyrocketing divorce rate. What’s up with people? They’re dating and living together for years and years, getting to know all they can about their future spouse, and yet once they’re married it’s just too hard to stay together. Can it be that people are just not eager to do the work it takes to keep a marriage going?

A wise woman I know once said that the first few years of marriage are all about learning to co-exist– nothing more. Ah, the infamous First Year of marriage! I know lots of happily married couples who tell me they were on the brink of divorce that first year. If people would enter a marriage knowing this, I think they could rough it through the “adjustment period” and go on to have many happy years together.

I don’t know if there’s a secret to staying in love forever, but I think that learning to deal with your spouse’s unique personality (along with his different tastes, annoying habits, strong opinions, etc.) would be a good start. Keeping the peace. Holding your tongue. Biding your time. Being kind, tolerant and respectful. I’d call it “learning to live together gracefully.” It’s a hard at first but don’t worry, it won’t always take this much effort!

Here are five simple rules to help you Stay in Love Forever, by Dov Heller, a licensed Marriage and Famil Therapist who holds two Masters degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University.

1.CHERISH YOUR WIFE. RESPECT YOUR HUSBAND.

The core emotional need of a woman is to be cherished. This is the husband’s number one responsibility. That means making her feel loved and appreciated, that she’s your number one priority.

A man’s core emotional need is to feel respected by his wife. When he comes home, he wants to feel that there is at least one person in the world who thinks he’s got what it takes. That means getting off the phone when he walks in the door.

2.TREAT EACH OTHER LIKE GOOD FRIENDS

The hallmark of friendship is that each person validates and respects the other person’s feelings and needs. Validation means: What’s important to you is important to me. It’s a key way to make your spouse feel loved.

3. REMEMBER THE FOUR GOLDEN WORDS: LISTEN, COMPROMISE, REPAIR, AND GRATITUDE.

Agree to keep one basic rule at the beginning of your marriage: No matter how upset you are, never launch a verbal attack. Fighting with insults only makes problems worse and erodes the relationship. Instead, implement the four golden words:

Listening: It’s essential for working together and solving problems. Allow your spouse to speak without interruption and then repeat what has just been said. This reassures your spouse that he or she was heard.

Compromise: Strive to solve problems where both of you are happy with the solution. Neither one should feel coerced into accepting the other person’s point of view.

Repair: When you hurt each other emotionally, repair the breakdown and remove the lingering feelings of anger and resentment. Aim for 100% reconciliation. A little resentment multiplied 50 times can create a wall of bitterness.

Gratitude: You can never say thank you enough to your spouse. Try to notice everything your spouse does for you and acknowledge it with sincere gratitude.

4. ESTABLISH STRONG BOUNDARIES

Your spouse is your number one priority - not your parents, relatives, friends, children, work, or hobbies. Set strong boundaries that show you value your marriage and don’t allow anyone or anything to weaken your relationship.

That means meeting your spouse’s needs before your parents’ needs, coming home with enough time left in the evening to have quality time together, and inviolate date nights.

5. GIVE EACH OTHER PLEASURE DAILY

Marriage is ultimately about making each other feel good and striving to give your spouse pleasure on a daily basis - on his or her terms. If she says she likes lilies, don’t bring her roses because you think they’re more romantic.

Learn how your spouse prefers to be given to - whether it’s physical affection, words of affirmation, receiving gifts, acts of service (like helping out in the house, running errands) or spending quality time - and get in the daily habit of doing it.

You’ll enjoy giving more than receiving.

Here are Ten Ways to Strengthen Your Marriage, brought to you by divorce expert Joel Schwartz, who wants to keep young married couples OUT of his office!

1. Keep communication open. You should feel comfortable discussing any and all issues with your spouse. Write it, say it, communicate it, but always express it.

2. Find common interests that are ongoing. Activities/interests that the two of you can enjoy as a couple is key to fulfillment in a marriage. If you enjoy playing golf together today, chances are you will through every decade of your marriage. If it’s camping, theater, tinkering in the garden—it doesn’t matter—just make time to do it together on a consistent basis.

3. Take time for your “self” interests. Often, younger couples get absorbed in one another and forget to nurture their own personal interests. Strike a fine balance between common interests and those that allow for some freedom and space.

4. Show compassion. Out of sheer idealism and romanticism, younger couples tend to become quickly intolerant of their spouse’s shortcomings. Keep telling yourself, “nobody’s perfect!” Not your spouse or you.

5. Check your expectations. Many young marriages fail because people expect too much, not only from one another, but the concept of marriage itself. If the picture of what you thought marriage would be doesn’t match how it turns out to be for you, get real! Marriage is like running a business: sometimes it’s a tough job; other days it pays huge dividends.

6. Set some joint goals. But do so as soon as possible. Many couples quickly find out that what they thought were common goals for the near future, e.g., she wants four kids—he wanted only one—can be the very issue that pulls them apart before they reach 30 or 40.

7. Remember you’re partners, not just lovers. If you’re looking for only ecstasy and have no patience for the agony that all relationships encounter, you’re setting yourself up for a rough ride and probably a divorce. Marriage is a partnership, not an affair.

8. Commitment is 24/7. A lack of maturity is often to blame when it comes to divorce among 20-to early 30-something couples, and that includes the absence of resolve to be a solid partner every day, not simply on the days when a person feels like it.

9. Keep your finances in check. One of the most common reasons people divorce is due to over-extending themselves financially. It’s easy to be a little reckless with spending when you’re 20- or 30-something. What helps to keep spending in check though is to agree to one bank card. Set a limit for how much you can afford to charge on that card and stick to it.

10. Forget the “baby will bring us closer” plan. Having a baby brings great joy to couples, usually, but it also creates a tremendous amount of stress. If you think your marriage is faltering and having a baby will change all that (i.e., bring you closer together), think again. Nine times out of 10, it’s quite the opposite. Wait until the two of you are on solid ground together before you add anyone else to your family.