This is a website for brides… and brides-to-be! So if you are single but want to be married, here are the 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.”

I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a “mensch”?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.”

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiter, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!”

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Copied with permission from Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

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I thought Sherry Amatenstein’s advice was sensible, and if you can’t seem to find true love, her commentary might give you the help you need to make a change.  “If one or two sound familiar,” she says, “Don’t beat yourself up.  Just recognize that you deserve better and commit to making a change for good.”

Excuse me for cutting and pasting… Here we go!

1. If you think love will never find you, it won’t. I receive many posts on the Dating Doyenne board from women whose romantic disappointments have left them convinced there is something inherently unlovable about them. They say things like: “Who would want me anyway? I’m sure I’m going to wind up alone.”

Obviously these women are as worthy of love as you and I. (Yes, we’re worthy!) But they’ve come down with something so awful it can keep them solo for years to come: self-fulfilling prophecy, or SFP. SFP isn’t contagious but it will make potential dates run the opposite way. It’s an insidious disease. Physically, it leaves the sufferer untouched. But the more one walks around saying, “I will never find love,” the higher the odds that expectation will come true. Contrarily, the sunnier one’s thoughts

— “I’m such a cool, happy person that I’m bound to find love” — the sunnier the forecast for her romantic future.

If you’re among those throwing one too many pity parties for herself, get busy: Start a journal. Each day write down something lovable about yourself. It will get easier with time. You can even consider calling or emailing a few close friends or relatives, so they can share reasons they think a man would be lucky to have you. Level with them about why you’re making this request, and they’ll probably be happy to help. Whenever a negative thought threatens to invade your mind, replace it with a positive one.

Uncover the other love mistakes that might be keeping you single right here:

2. Kick the bad-boy habit. News flash: Good guys have not gone the way of the 8-track. They exist in bulk. The trick is learning to both recognize and want a man of worth. “For years I was attracted to guys whose mission was to hurt me,” says reformed bad-boy lover Adelle Harris, a 32-year-old Chicago Web designer. “It would be obvious from the get-go. They’d never call when they said they would, were constantly caught in stupid lies, said they loved me, then ran around with other women. One even tried to seduce my best friend.” During these years, Adelle kept railing that her dates were the best of a bad lot: No man could be kind or faithful. Then she attended a cousin’s wedding. “Naomi’s bridegroom Rick was the sweetest man in the world. He obviously adored my cousin and lived to please her,” says Adelle. “Seeing the sweet, loving light in his eyes, I vowed that one day I’d meet a man who would look at me like I was a treasure.”

Adelle took a dating hiatus and did some much-needed thinking about the root of her obsession with bad boys. “My dad was a life-of-the-party type, but as a husband and father he was cold and uncaring,” she admits. “He left for good when I was 10. After that, the few times I’d see him I’d practically do cartwheels to win his attention. When I was old enough to have a boyfriend, I began metaphorically dating my dad. Once I realized what I’d been doing, I started seeing the appeal of guys who weren’t as flashy or unreliable, guys who were capable of caring.”

Today Adelle is engaged — to a Rick type. “I can’t believe I wasted all that time on men who treated me like dirt,” she says. “But it was worth it, I guess because it eventually taught me to truly appreciate a good man.”

3. Repeat after me: Love is not a synonym for leash. When Gina Thomas, a 29-year-old Manhattan magazine art director, got engaged, it seemed like a dream come true. In her fantasies she and her fiancé Bill would do everything together. Bill had a different definition. “Once we moved in together I assumed Bill would cut out the biweekly poker games with the guys and the occasional nights out after work,” says Gina. “Our jobs left us little free time as it was. We shouldn’t have wasted it on other people.”

Wanting your partner to be with you 24/7 is not realistic or fair, yet like Gina many women feel abandoned or unloved if their other half has needs (say, for male camaraderie or occasional solitude) that can’t be fulfilled by the relationship.
Gina’s insecurity and neediness led her to make Bill feel like he was under house arrest. And no matter how plush the jail, eventually a prisoner wants to be set free. The two split.

The happiest couples allow each other breathing room to grow. The more dynamic their lives apart (in terms of jobs, hobbies, friends), the more they’ll have to share with each other when they get together.

4. Don’t commit emotional infidelity. It is vital that your partner be someone you treat with courtesy and kindness. If you tell all of your favorite jokes and “bad day” stories to a friend or male coworker, what will you have left when you get home to your honey? It may sound crazy, but there is a premium on a person’s time and energy — there is only so much of it to go around — and if you spend yours with someone else, you’re potentially hurting your relationship. Even worse is betraying your partner’s confidences with a male friend or coworker. Just ask Dorinne Badenstadt, a 34-year-old chef from Santa Fe, New Mexico. “After six years of marriage my husband Ed and I started growing apart. Nothing drastic, but he was no longer the first person I’d tell when something good or bad happened,” she says. “That honor belonged to my neighbor Don.”

Dorinne never slept with Don, but she did begin sharing intimacies, such as the fact that her husband wore a toupee, a fact Don joked about at a neighborhood barbecue. Ed was shocked and felt betrayed at hearing his business discussed over hot dogs and beer. He accused his wife of disloyalty, precipitating the biggest fight the pair had ever had. The couple patched things up, but Dorinne was reminded the hard way that her marriage needed to be the number one relationship in her life.

5. You’re wrong if you need to be right. When Anne Ryan, a 29-year-old from Chicago, met her boyfriend Sam, she was delighted that the two had so much in common. Both were lawyers and loved to tango, downhill ski and play chess. Both were also stubbornly prideful. “Sam was perfect except for one horrible flaw,” says Anne. “He always needed to be right — whether it was about which restaurant served better burgers or which of us had apologized first after our last fight. What I didn’t realize until it was too late was that I was just as bad. I couldn’t admit that I’d forgotten to give him an important phone message or that his desire to move to L.A. was something I should seriously consider. I wanted to stay in Chicago and that was all that mattered. It was my way or the highway.”

Sam eventually took the highway — heading due west. If you and/or your partner can never admit to being wrong, you’ll win a few TKOs but you’ll never win much satisfaction. Apologizing isn’t a sign of weakness. Correction, Ali McGraw: Love does mean occasionally having to say you’re sorry

a. Good advice (for guys mostly, but even for gals) for a first date. Or even…

b. Good advice when contacting someone you may have met on a dating website or Facebook. These tips are sound, sensible, and courteous. Here we go with our, ahem, “instructions”…

1. Be friendly and polite. It is very important to show your date respect. And I love this part: “You’d better [not] use nicknames and phrases like: “Hey baby” or “My hot girl” in your very first introductory letter, it’s better to make a pleasant compliment [to] her instead. Don’t worry if you really like using these words you can do it a bit later. Just wait till lady opens up for you.” LOL!

2. Keep your tone upbeat. Your conversation/letter should reflect your great mood and optimism. “If you tell your future Russian bride about your difficulties, problems and complaints in your very first letter, it will definitely scare her away.”  Show her your happy and cheerful side. Negativity is a major turnoff.  Being positive is like a magnet that will draw her closer.

3. Share interesting information about yourself that you think others would find appealing. (When contacting someone online, you can check her profile to find out about her hobbies and interests. The more you have in common the better!)

4. Focus on your positive traits: Don’t share your disadvantages on your first date (or in your introduction letter). You should focus only on the good things about yourself, but it’s also important to know where to stop… boasting will not bring positive results either! Here are some phrases that will help you to describe you in a best way (some of them are pretty corny, but I deleted the worst ones.  Some you can get away with in a letter but never face-to-face! Use at your own discretion!):
- My best friend describes me as…
- I’m happiest when I’m…
- Here’s what you’d find if you looked around my place…
- A great day in my life would include…
- The last great book I read was…
- The last great movie I saw was…
- My favorite season is…
- The music that moves me most is…
- This morning in my car I was listening to…
- Last Saturday night I…
- The last vacation I went on was…
- The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done was…
- I’m happiest when I’m with someone who…

5. Include the basics: Age, education and career. According to statistics, 80% of women find these three things to be important information to find out on a first date.

6. Popular topics: Forget those awkward moments of silence. You can always fall back on things such as pets, favorite books, hobbies, children or anything else that is likely to reveal a shared interest.

7. Don’t be controversial: Steer clear of debatable topics, at least on a first date. Debates and arguments can be enjoyable, but are best saved for someone you already feel comfortable with.

8. Too much information: Try not to overload your date with too much at once. Revealing a little bit at a time will pique your date’s interest. “Remember that there must be a little secret not only in a lady but in a man as well. You’ll reach great results if you make your lady wait for the next chapter of your story impatiently.”

9. Show your interest in her: Don’t blab endlessly about yourself, as fascinating as you find that topic to be. Ask your date questions about herself too. “Remember that it’s so important to have a dialog instead of monologue.” Not only will you encourage her to open up, but she’ll appreciate your attempts to get to know her.

10. Be smart: Use careful judgment when deciding how much information to share with a stranger. Always be cautious when it comes to revealing personal information.  You should wait until you trust her before revealing your deep, dark family secrets…