Karen Sherman, Ph.D., (www.drkarensherman.com),a practicing psychologist in relationships and lifestyle issues, says “NO WAY!” According to Dr. Sherman, it’s the little things, particularly well-loved rituals, that let your spouse know you care. It’s all about the security of being a pair, and acceptance and understanding that comes with a deep connection.

This desire for feeling connected all starts right from the beginning when you are born and in your childhood—there’s a need for attachment to a caring figure. When couples come in for help, the biggest problem I see is a sense of disconnection and feeling that he or she does not matter to his or her partner. The question then becomes how do you let your mate know that he or she really is important to you?

Do you remember the movie, Fiddler on the Roof? At one point in the script, the couple reflects on all the things that they do for each other, but then ask, “Do you love me?” For me, this raises the issue that perhaps going out and working all day to support the family or staying home and taking care of the house and kids—as monumental as those tasks are—are just not enough to let the other person know how you feel about them.

There are a lot of things you can do to let each other know how important you are to one another. They are rituals. They say a lot about your bond, even thought they are only small behaviors.

Dr. Sherman points out that for most people, acknowlaging birthdays and anniversaries is important. It lets your spouse know that he or she is not forgotten. You can turn this opportunity into a yearly ritual that will come to be cherished over time. “You don’t even need Hallmark to do the job; my father-in-law always wrote a poem for my mother-in-law on the morning of their anniversary and left it on the kitchen table before he left for work. He wrote it on a napkin! She never complained that she felt ignored.”

Daily rituals are equally important, and Dr. Sherman shares one that her husband does to start off each day. “When he hears me get up, he comes to greet me with a hug and kiss. I can’t even tell you what it means to me to feel so welcomed each day.”

Here are some ideas to get you started:

1. Do something to greet or say good-bye to one another—even if the absence is for short periods.
2. Have a ritual to acknowledge each other at the beginning and ending of each day.
3. During the day, make a phone call, send an e-mail or send a text message in order to connect with each other.
4. Rather than just spending time together to resolve an issue, make sure there’s also some time put aside just for enjoyment.
5. If one of you has to go on a trip, leave a surprise note inside the luggage.
6. If your partner has accomplished something special (even if it’s around the house), let others know within earshot of your partner.
7. If your mate is having a problem, try being supportive rather than trying to fix the issue.
8. Show appreciation to your spouse for things he or she has done—even if it’s mundane.
9. Bring novelty into your relationship. When you try new things together, it helps to keep the relationship fresh. And when you share this adventure together, it’s also connecting.
10. Turn on the affection. Touch is very important for a sense of connection.

Remember, this is only a starter list. Keep it going! And remember, the more personal your rituals the more meaningful they will be. The need for connection is something you both need and when it’s there, it is very magical!

Karen Sherman, Ph.D., (www.drkarensherman.com) is a practicing psychologist in relationships and lifestyle issues for over 20 years. She offers teleseminars and is the author of “Mindfulness and the Art of Choice: Transform Your Life” and co-author of “Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make it Last.”

Source: Hitched: Entertains, educates, and inspires marriages

Special gifts to say “I love you” for her… and for him!

I still get messages from The Knot, despite the fact that my wedding is over and they are trying to nudge me into The Nest.

Here’s today’s depressing insight into the Wedding Industrial Complex:

“Congratulations! Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. Your style, your colors, the size of your bridal party — fill us in! Take a few moments and share the details of your special day with us!”

Don’t get me wrong. The Knot is a useful resource in several different ways, but this preoccupation with the style and colors of a wedding detracts from what a wedding is really about. I wish they had asked: Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. How you fostered community and connection, how you chose to express your commitment, and how much fun you had with your nearest and dearest — fill us in!

I know it’s hard when you’re immersed in the wedding planning process, but it is so important to stay grounded in what a wedding is really about. If we lose sight of that, we’re at risk for turning into robotic brides like the one featured in the sticker above on a package to my friend (Editor’s Note: You can purchase your own facetious bridal stickers at the Dollar Store.) I still get messages from The Knot, despite the fact that my wedding is over and they are trying to nudge me into The Nest.

Here’s today’s depressing insight into the Wedding Industrial Complex:

“Congratulations! Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. Your style, your colors, the size of your bridal party — fill us in! Take a few moments and share the details of your special day with us!”

Don’t get me wrong. The Knot is a useful resource in several different ways, but this preoccupation with the style and colors of a wedding detracts from what a wedding is really about. I wish they had asked: Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. How you fostered community and connection, how you chose to express your commitment, and how much fun you had with your nearest and dearest — fill us in!

I know it’s hard when you’re immersed in the wedding planning process, but it is so important to stay grounded in what a wedding is really about. If we lose sight of that, we’re at risk for turning into robotic brides like the one featured in the sticker above on a package to my friend (Editor’s Note: You can purchase your own facetious bridal stickers at the Dollar Store.)

Along the same lines, a post I saw on Manolo Brides called “Letting Go of Perfect.” Twistie’s words of wisdom are: Forget Perfect! “Shoot for elegant or fun or meaningful. Not only are all three of those things possible, they’re the sort of words people are going to use anyway.  Besides, you’re the only one who will ever notice whether or not the martinis perfectly match the bridesmaid’s dresses.”

She contrasts two different brides from an episode of Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway? The first bride (groom didn’t have much to say about the planning) wanted the perfect wedding.  She was obsessed with purple and everything had to be the exact, perfect shade of purple. On her wedding day she was a nervous wreck who burst into tears about everything, and then worried that the tears would ruin her make up. The second couple were delighted by everything their planner did and at their wedding lived totally in the moment. “They were relaxed, gracious, and having a hell of a good time.”

You can read the whole entry at Manolo. I suggest you do. Because, really, which bride do YOU want to be??

Gorgeous bridesmaid photo compliments of The Knot, of course! You gotta love those wedding photos even if you don’t have money like that to spend!

Dr. Saltz defines loneliness as a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. Courtship is often a time of emotional intimacy and pleasure in being together. But sometimes married couples get into a rut, taking the other for granted and being consumed by other cares such as work, children, finances, etc. Couples grow apart if there’s an inability to share feelings and be understood. A relationship can become purely functional, like two players on the same team – you do the shopping and I’ll drive carpool – instead of the deep, soul mate connection you probably envisioned.

“Even when a woman does sit down with her husband it’s to zone out in front of the TV. She often wants to talk, but he wants to watch the game. The distance grows and soon she feels like she’s alone while she’s sitting next to him.”

It’s no newsflash that women communicate differently then men. Girlfriends tend to bond by talking, sharing their experiences and feelings. Men tend to bond over shared activities, like watching a ball game. Many women wish (and even expect that) their husbands would talk to them like their girlfriends. When that doesn’t happen they feel disappointed, rejected and lonely. They feel like even if they tried to share their deeper feelings, he won’t really get it.

“This is not the same as the man who either doesn’t notice when something is really up with you or worse yet, doesn’t care,” Dr. Saltz points out. “The above reasons women feel lonely are really… normal bumps in the road that you need to and can contend with.” (Obviously, a relationship where he criticizes often, belittles you, threatens to leave or hurt you, constitutes emotional abuse. If he tries to isolate you from friends and family in order to maintain control, this is a relationship you need to get out of.)

What can you do about it? Here are some of Dr. Saltz’s suggestions:

• Give attention to get attention. Don’t wait for him to make the first move. If your husband isn’t holding your hand, then take his. Tell him you really like to snuggle up in bed and talk. Ask him what is on his mind. Give him the same kind of attention and interaction you’d like to receive. Be a model of the change. Then ask him to do the same for you. Guys can be pretty clueless, but the more specific you are about your needs, the more likely it is that he’ll catch on.

• Seek satisfaction on your own. Learning to enjoy your own company is the first step to diminishing loneliness. Allow some separate time for each of you to explore your interests. By nurturing some independence, you build your own confidence and will feel less needy. This “self-possession” will create a person that the other one wants to know more about and have fun with. Make a list of things you might like to do alone like reading, gardening, painting, listening to music…then go through each and give it a try.

• Don’t neglect your social life. Nurturing your women friends can be stimulating and gratifying. This is not instead of your spouse; it’s simply in addition and will leave you feeling less alone.