Here are a list of questions you can ask yourself to ascertain whether there are any lurking issues that need to be worked out before you say “I do.”

1. What is your worst fear if you marry this person?

2. What do you still need to know in order to be certain you want to marry this person?

3. Is he/she a kind person

4. Is he/she a responsible and honest person?

5. Do you find him/her attractive?

6. Does he/she take care of his personal hygiene, health, and nutrition?

7. Do you feel this person is trying to change you?

8. Do you feel fully accepted by this person?

9. Do you admire and respect this person?

10. What do you see when you look in his/her eyes?

11. Does he/she like him/herself?

12. Do you work well together as a team?

13. Are your values, priorities, life philosophy, and goals compatible?

14. Do you communicate well and listen to each other?

15. Is this person unhappy? Depressed? Confused?

16. Do you understand how men and women’s primary emotional needs are different?

17. Do you trust his/her judgment?

18. Can you live with this person exactly the way he/she is today?

19. What is this person really into? Do you respect and identify with it?

20. Can you express your feelings and opinions honestly and openly with this person?

21. Is he/she critical or judgmental of you?

22. Do you feel emotionally safe with this person?

23. Are you afraid of this person in any way?

24. Can you be yourself with this person? Can you be playful?

25. Can you be vulnerable with this person?

26. Do you like the way you feel when you’re with this person? Do you feel relaxed?

27. Is this person emotionally available?

28. Does this person have any compulsive behaviors or addictions?

29. Was this person abused in any way growing up?

30. Are there any psychological disorders in either of your families?

31. Do you trust him, without a doubt?

32. Does he/she have integrity?

33. Do you care about what happens to this person and want to help him/her succeed in life?

34. Are you certain that this person will respect your feelings and needs?

35. Do you want to have children with this person?

36. Would you want your kids to be like this person?

37. Do you want to be more like this person?

38. Have you thoroughly checked out this person’s character with reliable people?

39. Are you in agreement about your “lifestyle” and family expectations?

If any of these questions leave you with an uncomfortable feeling, it may be wise to think deeply about your relationship, and, if necessary, seek premarital counseling to help you work through it. An ounce of prevention, as they say, is worth a pound of cure!

These questions are from Clarity Talk, by Dov Heller, Liscensed Marrige and Family Therapist, serving the LA-Beverly Hills area.

image: Jewel Info 4 U

I still get messages from The Knot, despite the fact that my wedding is over and they are trying to nudge me into The Nest.

Here’s today’s depressing insight into the Wedding Industrial Complex:

“Congratulations! Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. Your style, your colors, the size of your bridal party — fill us in! Take a few moments and share the details of your special day with us!”

Don’t get me wrong. The Knot is a useful resource in several different ways, but this preoccupation with the style and colors of a wedding detracts from what a wedding is really about. I wish they had asked: Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. How you fostered community and connection, how you chose to express your commitment, and how much fun you had with your nearest and dearest — fill us in!

I know it’s hard when you’re immersed in the wedding planning process, but it is so important to stay grounded in what a wedding is really about. If we lose sight of that, we’re at risk for turning into robotic brides like the one featured in the sticker above on a package to my friend (Editor’s Note: You can purchase your own facetious bridal stickers at the Dollar Store.) I still get messages from The Knot, despite the fact that my wedding is over and they are trying to nudge me into The Nest.

Here’s today’s depressing insight into the Wedding Industrial Complex:

“Congratulations! Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. Your style, your colors, the size of your bridal party — fill us in! Take a few moments and share the details of your special day with us!”

Don’t get me wrong. The Knot is a useful resource in several different ways, but this preoccupation with the style and colors of a wedding detracts from what a wedding is really about. I wish they had asked: Now that you’ve tied the knot, we want to hear all about it. How you fostered community and connection, how you chose to express your commitment, and how much fun you had with your nearest and dearest — fill us in!

I know it’s hard when you’re immersed in the wedding planning process, but it is so important to stay grounded in what a wedding is really about. If we lose sight of that, we’re at risk for turning into robotic brides like the one featured in the sticker above on a package to my friend (Editor’s Note: You can purchase your own facetious bridal stickers at the Dollar Store.)

Along the same lines, a post I saw on Manolo Brides called “Letting Go of Perfect.” Twistie’s words of wisdom are: Forget Perfect! “Shoot for elegant or fun or meaningful. Not only are all three of those things possible, they’re the sort of words people are going to use anyway.  Besides, you’re the only one who will ever notice whether or not the martinis perfectly match the bridesmaid’s dresses.”

She contrasts two different brides from an episode of Whose Wedding Is It, Anyway? The first bride (groom didn’t have much to say about the planning) wanted the perfect wedding.  She was obsessed with purple and everything had to be the exact, perfect shade of purple. On her wedding day she was a nervous wreck who burst into tears about everything, and then worried that the tears would ruin her make up. The second couple were delighted by everything their planner did and at their wedding lived totally in the moment. “They were relaxed, gracious, and having a hell of a good time.”

You can read the whole entry at Manolo. I suggest you do. Because, really, which bride do YOU want to be??

Gorgeous bridesmaid photo compliments of The Knot, of course! You gotta love those wedding photos even if you don’t have money like that to spend!