Here are some symptoms and suggested remedies to heal ailing communication between partners, from Kim Malchuk, motivational speaker, coach, and award-winning author (via Hitched). :

1: Short Fuse. This is a warning flag, especially if your spouse is generally easy-going. If he/she seems to be getting irritated quickly then something’s wrong. Try approaching your partner in a calm and caring manner (a bit of light humor might help if that’s your style) to help your spouse open up and tell you what’s on their mind.

2: Withdrawn and Distant. Career, financial pressures, family issues, health– there are a lot of things that cause us stress. It’s not unusual for people to pull back or get really quiet when they are stressed out. Let your partner know you are there for them and that you’d love to listen to whatever they have to say whenever they want to talk about it.” Again, use a soft and non-demanding tone will help create a comfortable space to start the conversation.

3: Guessing Game. If you sense that something is off kilter, don’t try to guess what it is; just come right out and ask our partner if something is bothering them. Better to get the info from the source rather than letting your imagination run wild. Checking in with your spouse shows that you are paying attention to them and to the overall harmony of the marriage.

4: Kids Rule. This one’s tough but it can be done! Designate a time or a place in your home where the topic of kids is taboo. This time or place should be reserved just for the two of you. A happy Mommy and Daddy with a healthy relationship will benefit everyone living under the roof.

feature image from Saida online

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Unfortunately, instead of keeping it private, one zealous friend spread it all over the internet where it became a public sensation. Needless to say, this has not improved relations between Heidi and her mother-in-law. It has erupted into a major feud, and taste, manners, and humor seems to be lacking on everyone’s account.

No doubt the original email was harsh, but don’t you think it would have been more prudent to keep in under wraps? Share it with your best friend, by all means, but don’t get your parents involved (especially as the email is attacking them as well). I don’t think anything productive is gained by fostering anger between people in the same wedding party.

Instead, Heidi could have ignored it, or sent back a cold but polite email, asking that her mother-in-law refrain from criticizing her in such a way in the future. Decent people can manage to swallow constructive criticism if it is coming from a place of caring, but this was obviously not the case. With a mother-in-law like this, the best case scenario is to keep your distance and adopt the attitude that “it’s not about me.”

Here is some wise advice from Aish.com regarding abusive mother-in-laws: “Instead of seeing in your mother-in-law a person who is maliciously trying to hurt you, you might see a very threatened and insecure individual. It might be an insecurity resulting from aging, ill health, lack of fulfillment or a myriad of other factors and causes.”

Bottom line is that words can hurt, but only if you let them. You are in charge of your thoughts and you know when someone’s criticism of you is baseless.  Brush it off and get on with your life. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

And if you are the mother-in-law, searching to keep the peace, here is some great advice for you too (also from Aish.com). The choice is yours whether to love and accept your daughter-in-law as she is. Try thinking along these lines: “This is my child’s choice so I’m going to blindly like them. I’m not going to look for flaws or weaknesses. I’m going to only notice their strengths. I’m going to ignore the petty and the trivial and focus on what really counts. I’m going to like them and give to them and in doing so I will them come to love them.”

More good advice: In-Law Protection

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In addition to that, technology and social media make it easy to maintain friendships even with people you don’t see that often. Emails, blogs, text, chats, Facebook… they all make it simple to stay connected and foster intimacy.

Whether or not your opposite-sex friendships are truly platonic, the dynamics of all friendships shift a bit once you are married. Suddenly there is one person and one relationship which must be the priority in your life. The question of how appropriate it is to have and spend time with opposite sex friends suddenly becomes a question that you may never have asked yourself before. It is not only a question of how comfortable you feel maintaining opposite-sex friendships, it’s a question of how your spouse feels about these relationships.

Some couples will say that they trust their spouse and respect their right to keep their opposite-sex friends. Others say that despite trusting their spouse not to act inappropriately, the are uncomfortable having them spend private time together. In these cases it may be best to include your spouses in sharing group quality time.

In her article Can Married People Have Opposite Sex Friends? Diane Gottsman explores this conflict and offers six tips to help protect your marriage when dealing with friends of the opposite sex. Here is her advice:

1. Listen to your intuition. If you feel deep down that your friend has romantic feelings for you, do not pursue the platonic friendship.

2. Keep personal space and physical touch in check. Although the relationship may be more relaxed than a business client, keep the same amount of distance and space you would with your boss’s wife. Close proximity and intimate touch is reserved for your spouse alone.

3. Don’t discuss your spouse’s flaws with your friend. Even if you consider yourself very close friends, it’s a form of betrayal to vent to your friend about your spouse’s shortcomings, especially without addressing it with your spouse first.

4. Meet in public places at appropriate times of day. Just like mom used to say, “Nothing good happens after 1:00 a.m.,” the same holds true with your friend. Time and place is a consideration when meeting with your friend of the opposite gender.

5. Include your spouse in your plans. If it’s only platonic, there should be no problem with one more person tagging along.

6. Your spouse always comes first. If your relationship with your friend is causing marital strife, your first consideration should always be your mate.

There may not be a one-size-fits-all answer to the question of whether men and women can truly be just friends. But for married people, it’s vital to keep your relationship with your spouse above all others. If your spouse thinks there is a problem, then there is indeed a problem.

More advice for happy marriages at Hitched.com

Review past spending: Together, review each other’s credit reports and monthly income statements.

Look toward the future: Decide whether you are going to mingle your bank accounts or keep them separate. Choose medical benefit policies. Write out wills. Assign healthcare proxies and powers of attorney. Look into buying life insurance policies to protect each other should anything happen to either person (this becomes more urgent when you have children).

Assign roles: Who will handle the day-to-day financial decisions like paying bills, budgeting and saving? Things you may want to set money aside for include kids’ college education, buying a home, and retirement.  Who’s in charge of monitoring where the money is going?

Family matters: Many experts advocate discussing the financial aspects of having and raising children before you start a family. My friends and I, on the other hand, agree that if we had done this, we’d never have babies! My husband and I have three beautiful children… but they’re going out to earn their keep as soon as they learn how to read.

Write it down: Putting your detailed financial strategy down on paper will help you to actually implement it.  You may want to employ the help of a financial professional who can make sure you’re covering all your bases and being realistic.

feature image: 5min.com: How to talk money with your spouse

This is a website for brides… and brides-to-be! So if you are single but want to be married, here are the 5 golden rules for evaluating the prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr./Ms. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love.”

I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1: Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life – bottom line – and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished” or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings.

A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3: Is he/she a “mensch”?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing.”

So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4: How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiter, bus boy, taxi driver, etc. How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything, you cannot expect that they’ll have gratitude for you – who can’t do nearly as much for them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others. You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve” them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage … for the worse!”

If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.

Copied with permission from Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.

Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

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Why does it happen, and is anyone safe from this frightening condition called marriage?

I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you how life changes just a bit after marriage. Maybe you’re spending more time cuddling on the couch eating ice cream with your honey than you used to. Maybe the time you devote to family and housekeeping has robbed you of the hours you used to spend at the gym. Maybe you are not as concerned about a few extra pounds, now that you are a comfortable, happily married woman (or man).  Or maybe the added stress of marriage (the first year can be particularly challenging for some) is driving you to seek solace in the pantry.

Oh ya, one more thing: Guys, as a general rule, eat a lot more than girls, so when you’re cooking for him and eating meals together, you are probably consuming a lot more than you used to!

But whatever the reason, there’s no need to let the “love chub” take over.

I”m afraid I have no magic formula for keeping the pounds away. It’s the same answer you’ll find any time the question is asked: How do I loose weight? Eat right, and exercise. There are no shortcuts, but if your spouse is willing to partner with you, staying fit might be more fun than it used to be!

Want to hear how other couples decided to get back into pre-wedding shape? Read ???Will Marriage Make You Fat? How to Avoid the “Love Chub” Trap.

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Blind love is not the way to choose a spouse. With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. Here are practical tools for keeping your eyes wide open.  To avoid becoming a “statistic,” try to internalize these 10 insights.

#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after you’re married.

The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you can’t be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don’t get married. As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, “You actually can expect people to change after their married… for the worst!”

So when it comes to the other person’s spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.

#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on character.

Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of the “I’m in love” syndrome. “I’m in love” often means, “I’m in lust.” Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person’s character?

Here are four character traits to definitely check for:

Humility: Does this person believe that “doing the right thing” is more important than personal comfort?

Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does s/he treat people s/he doesn’t have to be nice to? Does s/he do volunteer work? Give charity?

Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he’s going to do?

Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he emotionally stable?

Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?

#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn’t understand what a woman needs most.

Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is the man who just doesn’t “get it.” Jewish tradition places the onus on the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.

The unique need of a woman is to be loved — to feel that she is the most important person in her husband’s life. The husband needs to give her consistent, quality attention.

This is most apparent in Judaism’s approach to intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the intimate needs of his wife. Intimacy is always on the woman’s terms. Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman once pointed out, “Men have two speeds: on and off.” Women are experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife pleasure, amazing things happen.

#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life goals and priorities.

There are three basic ways we connect with another person:

1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal

Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you’re “living for,” while you’re single — and then find someone who has come to the same conclusion as you.

This is the true definition of a “soul mate.” A soul mate is a goal mate — two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life’s purpose and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.

#5. You choose the wrong person because you get intimately involved too quickly.

Intimacy before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues. Physical involvement tends to cloud one’s mind. And a clouded mind is not inclined to make good decisions.

It is not necessary to take a “test drive” in order to find out if a couple is physically compatible. If you do your homework and make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don’t have to worry about it. Of all the studies done on divorce, incompatibility in the intimate arena is almost never cited as a main reason why people divorce.

#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional connection with this person.

To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: “Do I respect and admire this person?”

This does not mean, “Am I impressed by this person?” We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.

Also ask: “Do I trust this person?” This also means, “Is he/she emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?

#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you don’t feel emotionally safe.

Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person? Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!

Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will view it. If you’re afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there’s a problem with the relationship.

Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don’t feel the other person is trying to control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person. Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There’s a big difference between “controlling” and “making suggestions.” A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for their benefit.

#8. You pick the wrong person because you don’t put everything on the table.

Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of you?

Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you can’t be vulnerable, then you can’t be intimate. The two go hand in hand.

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you’ll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You’ll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.

To be “triangulated” means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who hasn’t separated from his or her parents is the classic example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.

Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority. And that’s no basis for a marriage.

Reprinted with permission. Rabbi Dov Heller is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who holds Masters Degrees in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University and in Contemporary Theology from Harvard University. He also holds a B.A. in philosophy and was ordained a rabbi in Jerusalem in 1982. He is director of the Aish HaTorah Counseling Center in Los Angeles, founder of the Relationship Institute, and runs a private practice specializing in adult psychotherapy, marriage counseling and personal guidance. In addition, he provides an international coaching and counseling service via telephone helping people solve their relationship challenges. Visit his website at www.claritytalk.com.

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Watch this video to hear the advice of these wise women, each happily married for over 50 years!

And if you’re looking for more every-day wisdom, you should check out her book, How to Sew a Button. Practical and empowering, this book is a collection of the treasured wisdom from nanas, bubbies, and grandmas from all across the country—as well as modern-day experts. You will access more than one hundred step-by-step essential tips for cooking, cleaning, and entertaining.

Each of these grandmas survived The Great Depression, and their stories on making due, helping others, finding fun, and even falling in love are the basis for How to Sew a Button.  They can teach you how to make life much simpler, sweeter, and richer—and a lot more fun, too! And, as your grandmother might say, if you want to save money, it pays to learn how to do things yourself!

The Valentine’s Day tradition started in the early 1700s, and for centuries it was celebrated with an exchange of handwritten notes and handmade tokens of affection.  (You can thank the Victorians for today’s Valentine’s Day style—they liked their paper goodies dolled up with lavish images of lovebirds, cupids, and flowers!)   When printing technology began to improve, mass-produced cards become the norm. But if your local drugstore’s offerings fall short of your grand expectations, you can opt to create handmade Valentine’s Day gifts and greetings that are truly authentic, and won’t fail in the romance department either.

Wikipedia says that lovers have traditionally expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines“).  So whether you chose something edible, grow-able, or save-able, your loved one will sure to delight in the sweetness of your hand-made tokens of love.  Below, Brides.com asked eight of their favorite designers to share their best ideas for homemade valentines.

DIY Moleskine “Top 10″ Photo Album

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Turn an ordinary blank sketchbook into a romantic photo keepsake.

• Read our directions

Fondant “I Heart U” Pops

Pastry chef Melody Brandon shows us how to transform ordinary donut holes into a special treat.

• Get the instructions

Sweets for My Sweet!

Baker Naomi Henderson shares a simple tutorial on decorating with fondant to create cute cupcakes.

• Read it here

Matchbook Scrapbook

The design mavens behind Nice Package explain how to make a custom scrapbook for Valentine’s Day.

• See how here

“Love Grows” Bulb Garden

Studio Choo presents a stylish Valentine’s Day centerpiece that you can easily make at home.

• Learn how to create them here

Simple Mason Jar Arrangement

Event designer Megan Fickling demonstrates how to turn supermarket staples into clever centerpieces.

• Read the instructions

Paper Punch Valentine

Stationery designer Sally Shim gives the how-to’s for an easy DIY valentine.

• Get the directions

Candy Matchboxes

Stationery designer Brooke Reynolds shows us how to turn matchboxes into sweet candy containers.

• Read the how-tos here

Do you have a favorite homemade Valentine idea? Please share it with us!!

Rivkin explains that an affair does not happen “out of the blue.” Rather, it is an extreme symptom of a relationship that has been in trouble for some time. Cheating in a marriage is the result of one thing: “Lack.” A lack of love, attention, sex, recognition, respect, communication, or connection, that builds up over the years, can become so painful that a person will often act out by cheating.

So, how do we avoid getting to this point in our marriage? Below are Rivkin’s seven steps to avoid the lack and a potential affair:

1. Avoid complacency: Don’t ever take your relationship for granted. Relationships need to be nourished daily by a kind word, appreciation, a loving kiss, a smile. Complacency is a warning signal that you and your partner are out of touch with each other.

2. Keep the lines of communication open: Don’t sweep issues under the rug. They won’t go away! Learn ways to resolve arguments so recurring arguments don’t continue.

3. Pay attention to your gut: If you’re feeling something isn’t quite right in your relationship, 99 percent of the time you’re correct. Find a way to approach your partner to talk about things. Keep your relationship current by checking in on a weekly basis to make sure things aren’t building up.

4. Find time for each other: Don’t get so busy that you forget to have a date with your partner. Make time away from the kids, chores, work, etc., to renew your loving feelings. Remember how important your partner is to you. Tell them, by making time for them.

5. Know when it’s a time of stress and pay attention to your partner even more: Some common trigger times for extra stress in a relationship are having a baby, buying a house, changes in finances, empty nest syndrome and death of a family member or friend. During these stressful times, pay extra attention to the marriage. Let your spouse know you’re there and make even more time to connect with each other.

6. Understand the real issues in your relationship: Learn tools for resolving arguments. Avoid blaming, shaming and the need to always be right in an argument. Learn what you’re really fighting about so that you can resolve your issues. If you’re fighting about the wrong thing, you’ll never resolve the arguments.

7. Always remember what it was that made you fall in love with your spouse: Too often we allow our disagreements to cloud our love for our partner and we forgot why we even fell in love! Keep your sense of humor. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and don’t make them your enemy.

For more on love, sex, and marriage, visit Hitched!

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